955 


8 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 


"  While  thus  crisping  himself  he  loved  to  read  News  Notes  from 
Gotham  " 


KNOCKING     THE 
NEIGHBORS' 

BY   GEORGE   AJ3E 

AUTHOR  OF 
'THE  COLLEGE  WIDOW,"  "FABLES  IN  SLANG,"  ETC. 


Illustrated  by  Albert  Leverin 


GARDEN  CITY        NEW  YORK 

DOUBLED  AY,  PAGE  &  COMPANY 

1912 


Copyright,  1911,  1912,  by 
GEORGE  ADE 

Copyright,  1912,  by 

DOUBLEDAY,  PAGE  &  COMPANY 

All   rights    reserved,    including  that  of 

translation  into  foreign  languages, 

including  the  Scandinavian 


A 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

The  Roystering  Blades 3 

The  Flat-Dweller 13 

The  Advantage  of  a  Good  Thing    ....  15 

The  Common  Carrier 19 

The  Heir  and  the  Heiress 22 

The  Undecided  Bachelors 3$v 

The  Wonderful  Meal  of  Vittles       ....  39 

The  Galloping  Pilgrim 42 

The  Progressive  Maniac 52 

Cognizant  of  our  Shortcomings       ....  58 

The  Divine  Spark 65 

Two  Philanthropic  Sons 76 

The  Juvenile  and  Mankind 81 

The  Honeymoon  That  Tried  to  Come  Back  .  87 

The  Local  Pierpont   .      .  > 95 

The  Life  of  the  Party 98 


298648 


CONTENTS 

The  Galumptious  Girl 104 

Everybody's  Friend  and  the  Lino-Bucker  .     .116 

The  Through  Train mm  125 

The  Long  and  Lonesome  Ride    ....  134 

Out  of  Class  B  into  the  King  Row       ...  146 

The  Boy  Who  Was  Told 156 

The  Night  Given  over  to  Revelry  ....  159 

He  Should  Have  Overslept        ....  169 

The  Dancing  Man 172 

The  Collision 177 

How  Albert  Sat  In 187 

The  Treasure  in  the  Strong  Box      .      .      .      .  191 

The  Old-Fashioned  Prosecutor        .      .      .      .  196 

The  Unruffled  Wife  and  the  Gallus  Husband  .  206 

Books  Made  to  Balance 209 

The  Two  Unfettered  Birds 217 

The  Telltale  Tintype 226 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

While  thus  crisping  himself  he  loved  to  read 

News  Notes  from  Gotham  "  -    .     .  Frontispiece 


PAGE 


"  Found  in  a  lonely  Gulch  near  Death  Valley"       17 

"  He  had  to  sit  by  a  window  at  the  club  and 
dope  out  some  new  way  of  getting  all 
that  coin  back  into  circulation  "  .  .  .  45 

"  A  Certain  Old  Traveler  " 59 

"  She  was  too  busy  to  Hold  Hands,  for  she 
was  mapping  out  a  Career  "  .... 

"  They  fell  to  talking  of  the  Future  "...       83 

"  Each  was  working  for  the  Championship  of 

the  Flat" 89 

"Stung!" 101 

"  Madeleine  simply  retorted  that  the  Dances 
were  being  done  in  the  most  Exclusive 
Homes" 113 

"  He  had  a  Temperature  of  108  and  his  Ears 

were  hanging  down " *35 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

'Then   edge  into   the  Parlor  and  turn  the 

Music  for  Miss  Livingstone "     .     .     .     .     147 

'Four  old  Grads     .     .     .     were  massed  to 
gether  in  the  Egyptian  Room  "       .     .     .     161 

:  He  broke  the  Glad  News  to  her  "        ...     173 

'  I  am  not  a  Criminal;  I  am  an  Institution  "     197 

Laura  and  Edgar  were  Comrades  in  a  way  "     219 


KNOCKING   THE  NEIGHBORS 


THE  ROYSTEEJNG  BLADES 

OUT  in  the  Celery  Belt  of  the  Hinterland 
there  is  a  stunted  Flag-Station. 

Number  Six,  carrying  one  Day  Coach  and 
a  Combination  Baggage  and  Stock  Car, 
would  pause  long  enough  to  unload  a 
Bucket  of  Oysters  and  take  on  a  Crate  of 
Eggs. 

In  this  Settlement  the  Leading  Citizens 
still  wear  Gum  Arctics  with  large  Buckles, 
and  Parched  Corn  is  served  at  Social 
Functions. 

Two  highly  respected  Money-Getters  of 
pure  American  Stock  held  forth  in  this 
lonesome  Kraal  and  did  a  General  Mer 
chandizing. 

One  was  called  Milt,  in  honor  of  the 
[3] 


\'>f  KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Blind  Poet,  and  the  other  claimed  the 
following  brief  Monicker,  to  wit:  Henry. 

These  two  Pillars  of  Society  had  marched 
at  the  head  of  the  Women  and  School 
Children  during  the  Dry  Movement  which 
banished  King  Alcohol  from  their  Fair 
City. 

As  a  result  of  their  Efforts,  Liquor  was  not 
to  be  obtained  in  this  Town  except  at  the 
Drug  Stores  and  Restaurants  or  in  the 
Cellar  underlying  any  well-conducted  Home. 

For  Eleven  Months  and  Three  Weeks 
out  of  every  Calendar  Year  these  two 
played  Right  and  Left  Tackle  in  the  Stub 
born  Battle  to  Uplift  the  Community  and 
better  the  Moral  Tone. 

They  walked  the  Straight  and  Narrow, 
wearing  Blinders,  Check-Reins,  Hobbles 
and  Interference  Pads. 

Very  often  a  Mother  would  hurry  her 
little  Brood  to  the  Front  Window  when 
[4] 


THE  ROYSTERING  BLADES 

Milt  or  Henry  passed  by,  carrying  under  his 
arm  a  Package  of  Corn  Flakes  and  the 
Report  of  the  General  Secretary  in  charge 
of  Chinese  Missionary  Work. 

"  Look!"  she  would  say,  indicating  Local 
Paragon  with  index  Finger.  "If  you  al 
ways  wash  behind  the  Ears  and  learn  your 
Catechism,  you  may  grow  up  to  be  like 
Him." 

But  —  every  Autumn,  about  the  time 
the  Frost  is  on  the  Stock  Market  and  Wall 
Street  is  in  the  Shock,  Milt  and  Henry 
would  do  a  Skylark  Ascension  from  the 
Home  Nest  and  Wing  away  toward  the 
Rising  Sun. 

They  called  it  Fall  Buying  because  both 
of  them  Bought  and  both  of  them  Fell. 

At  Home  neither  of  them  would  Kick  In 
for  any  Pastime  more  worldly  than  a  10- 
cent  M.  P.  Show  depicting  a  large  number  of 
Insane  People  falling  over  Precipices. 
[5] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

The  Blow-Off  came  on  the  Trip  to  the 
City.  That  was  the  Big  Entertainment. 

Every  Nickel  that  could  be  held  out 
went  into  the  little  Tin  Bank,  for  they  knew 
that  when  they  got  together  100  of  these 
Washers,  a  man  up  in  New  York  would  let 
them  have  some  Tiffany  Water  of  Rare 
Vintage,  with  a  Napkin  wrapped  around  it 
as  an  Evidence  of  Good  Faith. 

On  Winter  Evenings  Milt  would  don  the 
Velvet  Slippers  and  grill  his  Lower  Ex 
tremities  on  the  ornate  Portico  such  as 
surrounds  every  high-priced  Base-Burner. 

While  thus  crisping  himself  he  loved  to 
read  News  Notes  from  Gotham. 

He  believed  what  it  said  in  the  Paper 
about  a  well-known  Heiress  having  the 
Teeth  of  her  favorite  Pomeranian  filled 
with  Radium  at  a  Cost  of  $120,000. 

Whenever  he  got  this  kind  of  a  Private 
Peek  into  the  Gay  Life  of  the  Modern 


THE  ROYSTERING  BLADES 

Babylon,  he  began  to  breathe  through  his 
Nose  and  tug  at  the  Leash. 

He  longed  to  dash  away  on  the  Erie  to 
look  at  the  Iron  Fence  in  front  of  the  Home 
of  the  Pomeranian. 

When  the  Day  of  Days  arrived,  Milt  and 
Henry  would  be  seen  at  the  Depot  with 
congested  Suit-Case  and  their  Necks  all 
newly  shaven  and  powdered  for  the  ap 
proaching  Jubilee. 

Each  had  pinned  into  his  college-made 
Suit  enough  Currency  to  lift  the  Debt  on 
the  Parsonage. 

Furthermore,  each  had  in  his  throbbing 
Heart  a  determination  to  shoot  Pleasure  as 
it  Flies,  no  matter  how  many  Cartridges 
it  took. 

Already  they  were  smoking  Foreign 
Cigars  and  these  were  a  mere  Hint  of  what 
the  Future  had  in  Store. 

While  waiting  for  Number  Six  they 
[7] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

wired  for  Two  Rooms  and  Two  Baths  and  to 
have  Relays  waiting  in  the  Manicure  Parlor. 

Up  at  the  Junction,  where  they  caught 
the  Limited,  they  moved  into  the  High  and 
began  to  peel  from  the  Roll. 

The  Steak  ordered  in  the  Dining  Car  hung 
over  the  edge  of  the  Table  and  they  scuffled 
to  see  which  one  would  pay  the  Check. 

As  for  the  Boy  in  the  Buffet,  every  time 
he  heard  a  Sound  like  25  Cents  he  came  out 
of  the  Dark  Room  and  began  to  open  small 
Original  Packages. 

When  they  approached  the  Metropolis, 
via  the  Tunnel,  they  thought  they  were 
riding  in  on  a  Curtiss  Bi-Plane. 

Between  the  Taxi  and  the  Register  they 
stopped  to  shake  hands  with  an  Old  Friend 
who  wore  a  White  Suit  and  was  known  from 
Coast  to  Coast  as  the  originator  of  a  Pick- 
Me-Up  which  called  for  everything  back  of 
the  Working  Board  except  the  License. 
[81 


THE  ROYSTERING  BLADES 

The  Clerk  let  on  to  remember  them  and 
quoted  a  Bargain  Rate  of  Six  Dollars, 
meaning  by  the  Day  and  not  by  the 
Month. 

They  wanted  to  know  if  that  was  the  Best 
he  had  and  he  said  it  was,  as  the  Sons  of  Ohio 
were  having  a  Dinner  in  the  Main  Banquet 
Hall. 

So  they  ordered  a  lot  of  Supplies  sent  up 
to  each  Room  and  wanted  to  know  if  there 
was  a  Good  Show  in  Town  —  something 
that  had  been  denounced  by  the  Press. 

The  Clerk  told  of  one  in  which  Asbestos 
Scenery  was  used  and  Firemen  had  to 
stand  in  the  Wings,  so  they  tore  over  to  the 
News  Stand  and  bought  two  on  the  Aisle 
for  $8  from  a  pale  Goddess  who  kept  look 
ing  at  the  Ceiling  all  during  the  Negotia 
tions,  for  she  seemed  out  of  Sympathy  with 
her  Sordid  Surroundings. 

Then  to  the  Rooms  with  their  glitter- 
[9] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

ing  Bedsteads  and  insulting  prodigality  of 
Towels. 

After  calling  up  the  Office  to  complain  of 
the  Service,  they  shook  the  Moth  Balls 
out  of  their  Henry  Millers  and  began  to  sort 
the  Studs. 

When  fully  attired  in  Evening  Clothes, 
including  the  Sheet-Iron  Shoes,  they  knew 
they  looked  like  New  York  Club  Men  and 
the  Flag  Station  seemed  far  away,  as  in 
another  World. 

Instead  of  the  usual  6:30  Repast  of 
Chipped  Beef  in  Cream,  Sody  Biscuits  and  a 
Stoup  of  Gunpowder  Tea,  they  ordered  up 
Cape  Cods,  Pommes  Let-it-go-at-that, 
Sweetbreads  So-and-so,  on  and  on  past  the 
partially  heated  Duck  and  Salad  with 
Fringe  along  the  Edges  and  Cheese  that 
had  waited  too  long  and  a  Check  for  $17.40 
and  the  Waiter  peeved  at  being  slipped  a 
paltry  $1.60. 

[10] 


THE  ROYSTERING  BLADES 

Heigh-ho !     It  is  a  Frolicking  Life ! 

Pity  the  Poor  Folks  who  are  now  getting 
ready  to  court  the  Hay  in  Akron,  Ohio,  and 
Three  Oaks,  Michigan,  and  Tulsa,  Okla 
homa,  with  no  thought  of  what  they  are 
Missing. 

They  remembered  afterward  being  in  a 
gilded  Play-House  with  the  Activities 
equally  divided  between  a  Trap-Drummer 
and  700  restless  Young  Women. 

Then,  being  assailed  by  the  Pangs  of 
Hunger,  they  went  out  and  purchased 
Crab  Flakes  at  20  cents  a  Flake,  after  which 
they  paid  to  get  their  Hats,  and  next  Morn 
ing  they  were  back  in  their  rooms,  entirely 
surrounded  by  Towels. 

On  the  third  Afternoon,  Milt  suspended 
Fall  Buying  long  enough  to  send  his  Family 
a  Book  of  Views  showing  the  Statue  of 
Peter  Cooper,  the  Aviary  in  Bronx  Park, 
and  Brooklyn  Bridge  by  Moonlight. 
[11] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Then,  with  a  Clear  Conscience,  he  went 
back  and  put  his  Foot  on  the  Rail. 

The  morning  on  which  their  Bodies  were 
taken  to  the  Pennyslvania  Station  broke 
bright  and  cheery. 

Milt  said  somebody  had  fed  him  a 
Steam  Coie  and  put  Mittens  on  him 
and  unscrewed  his  Knee-Caps. 

Otherwise,  he  was  O.  K. 

Henry  kept  waving  the  English  Sparrows 
out  of  the  Way,  and  asking  \vhy  so  many 
Bells  were  ringing. 

Two  weeks  later,  at  the  Union  Revival 
Services,  when  Rev.  Poindexter  gave  out 
that  rousing  old  Stand-By  which  begins 
"Yield  Not  to  Temptation,"  Milt  and 
Henry  arose  from  the  Cushioned  Seats  and 
sang  their  fool  Heads  off. 

MORAL:  One  who  would  put  Satan 
on  the  Mat  must  get  Inside  Information 
from  his  Training  Quarters. 


THE  FLAT-DWELLER 

ONCE  there  was  a  tired  Denizen  of  the 
Big  Town  whose  home  was  at  the  end  of  a 
Hallway  in  a  Rabbit  Warren  known  as  the 
Minnehaha. 

It  was  not  a  Tenement,  because  he  had  to 
pay  $30  a  Month  for  a  compressed  Suite 
overlooking  640  acres  of  Gravel  Roof. 

Sitting  back  in  his  Morris  Chair  with  his 
Feet  on  the  tiny  Radiator  he  would  read 
in  the  Sunday  Paper  all  that  Bunk  about 
the  Down-and-Outs  of  the  City  hiking 
back  to  the  Soil  and  making  $8,000  a  year 
raising  Radishes. 

He  saw  the  Pictures  of  the  Waving  Trees 
and  the  Growing  Crops  and  the  oleaginous 
Natives  and  he  yearned  to  get  out  where  he 
[13] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

wouldn't  hear  the  Trolleys  in  the  Morning 
and  the  Kids  could  get  Milk  that  came  from 
a  Cow. 

So  he  gave  up  his  Job  in  the  Box  Factory 
and  moved  out  to  Jasper  Township  and 
tackled  Intensive  Farming. 

He  had  been  Precinct  Captain  in  the 
Ate  Ward  and  by  applying  Metropolitan 
Methods  at  the  Yap  Primaries  he  succeeded 
in  breaking  into  the  Legislature  and  soon 
owned  the  Farm  on  which  he  lived  and  two 
others  besides. 

MORAL:  One  may  get  close  to  Nature, 
even  in  the  Country. 


[14] 


THE  ADVANTAGE  OF  A  GOOD  THING 

ONCE  there  was  a  prosperous  Manu 
facturer  who  had  made  his  Stake  by  hand 
ling  an  every-day  Commodity  at  a  small 
Margin  of  Profit. 

One  Morning  the  Representative  of  a 
large  Concern  dealing  in  guaranteed  Se 
curities  came  in  to  sell  him  some  gilt-edged 
Municipal  Bonds  that  would  net  a  shade 
under  5  per  cent. 

"I'll  have  to  look  into  the  Proposition 
very  carefully,"  said  the  Investor,  as  he 
tilted  himself  back  in  his  jointed  Chair. 
"I  must  have  the  History  of  all  previous 
Bond  Issues  under  the  same  Auspices. 
Also  the  Report  of  an  Expert  as  to  possible 
Shrinkage  of  Assets.  Any  Investment 
[15] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

should  be  preceded  by  a  systematic  and 
thorough  Investigation." 

Having  delivered  himself  of  this  Signed 
Editorial  he  dismissed  the  Bond  Salesman 
and  went  back  to  his  Morning  Mail. 

The  next  Caller  wore  a  broad  Sombrero, 
leather  Leggings,  and  a  Bill  Cody  Goatee 
—  also  the  Hair  down  over  the  Collar.  He 
looked  as  if  he  had  just  escaped  from  a 
Medicine  Show.  After  lowering  the  Cur 
tains  he  produced  from  a  Leather  Pouch 
a  glistening  Nugget  which  he  had  found  in 
a  lonely  Gulch  near  Death  Valley. 

The  careful  Business  Guy  began  to 
quiver  like  an  Aspen  and  bought  10,000 
shares  at  $2  a  Share  on  a  Personal  Guaran 
tee  that  it  would  go  to  Par  before  Sept.  1st. 

MORAL:    It  all  depends  on  the  Bait. 


[16] 


"  Found  in  a  lonely  Gulch  near  Death  Valley  " 


THE  COMMON  CARRIER 

ONCE  there  was  a  little  E-FlatTown  that 
needed  a  Direct  Communication  with  a 
Trunk  Line. 

A  Promoter  wearing  Sunday  Clothes 
and  smoking  40-cent  Cigars  came  out  from 
the  City  to  see  about  it. 

The  Daily  Paper  put  him  on  the  Front 
Page.  Five  Dollars  was  the  Set-Back  for 
each  Plate  at  the  Banquet  tendered  him  by 
the  Mercantile  Association.  A  Bonus  was 
offered,  together  with  a  Site  for  the  Repair 
Shops  and  the  Round  House. 

When  the  College  Graduates  in  Khaki 
Suits  began  to  drag  Chains  across  Lots,  a 
wave  of  Joy  engulfed  Main  Street  from  the 
Grain  Elevator  clear  out  to  the  Creamery. 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Then  came  10,000  Carusos,  temporarily 
residing  in  Box  Cars,  to  disarrange  the  Face 
of  Nature  and  put  a  Culvert  over  the  Crick. 
Real  Estate  Dealers  emerged  from  their 
Holes  and  local  Rip  Van  Winkles  began  to 
sit  up  and  rub  their  Eyes. 

One  morning  a  Train  zipped  through  the 
Cut  and  pulled  up  at  the  New  Station. 

The  Road  was  an  Assured  Fact.  The 
Rails  were  spiked  down;  the  Rolling  Stock 
was  in  Commission;  Trains  were  running 
according  to  Schedule. 

There  was  no  longer  any  Reason  for 
Waiting,  so  the  Citizens  hiked  over  to  the 
Court  House  and  began  to  file  Damage 
Suits.  The  Town  Council  started  in  to 
pass  Ordinances  and  the  Board  of  Equali 
zation  whooped  the  Taxes. 

Horny-handed  Jurors  hung  around  the 
Circuit  Court  Room  waiting  for  a  Chance  to 
take  a  Wallop  at  the  soulless  Corporation. 
[20] 


THE  COMMON  CARRIER 

\Vhen  the  Promoter  came  along  on  a 
Tour  of  Inspection,  the  only  Person  down 
to  meet  him  was  the  Sheriff. 

Children  in  the  Public  School  practised 
the  new  Oval  Penmanship  by  filling  their 
Copy-Books  with  the  following  popular 
Catch-Line :  "  When  you  have  a  Chance  to 
Soak  the  Railroad,  go  to  it." 

And  the  Trains  never  ran  to  suit  Everr- 
body. 

MORAL:  Go  easy  with  Capital  until 
you  get  it  Roped  and  Tied. 


[21 


THE  HEIR  AND  THE  HEIRESS 


upon  a  Time  there  was  a  Work- 
Horse  who  used  to  lie  awake  Nights  fram 
ing  up  Schemes  to  Corral  more  Collateral 
to  leave  to  the  Olive  Branches. 

They  may  have  looked  like  Jimpson 
Weeds  to  the  rest  of  the  World  but 
to  Pa  and  Ma  they  were  A-l  Olive  Bran 
ches. 

Pa  was  a  self-made  Proposition  —  Sole- 
Leather,  Hand-Stitched  and  Four-Ply,  with 
Rivets  around  the  Edge. 

His  Business  Career  had  been  one  long 
Rassle  with  Adverse  Circumstances. 
Nothing  was  ever  handed  to  him  on  a 
Sheffield  Tray  with  Parsley  around  it. 
The  World  owed  him  a  Living,  but  in  order 


THE  HEIR  AND  THE  HEIRESS 

to  collect  it  he  had  to  conduct  his  Argu 
ments  with  a  piece  of  Lead-Pipe. 

He  was  out  for  the  Kale,  if  you  know 
what  that  means.  He  was  collecting  He 
brew  Diplomas  and  he  had  a  special  Liking 
for  the  light-colored  Variety  with  a  large  C 
in  the  Corner. 

He  was  going  to  provide  for  his  Family, 
regardless  of  what  happened  to  other 
Families. 

He  had  a  little  Office  back  of  the  Bank 
and  made  a  Specialty  of  helping  those  over 
taken  by  Trouble.  Any  one  in  Financial 
Straits  who  went  into  the  Back  Office  to 
arrange  for  a  Loan  was  expected  to  open 
Negotiations  by  removing  the  Right  Eye 
and  laying  it  on  the  Table. 

Pa  had  Mormon  Whiskers  and  a  Mack 
erel  Eye  and  wore  a  Shawl  instead  of  an 
Overcoat  and  kept  a  little  Bag  of  Pepper 
mint  Drops  in  his  Tail-Pocket  and  walked 
[23] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Pussy -Foot  and  took  more  Stock  in  Isaiah 
than  he  did  in  the  Sermon  on  the  Mount. 

The  Above  is  merely  a  Rough  Outline, 
but  it  will  help  you  to  understand  why  his 
Wife  preceded  him  to  the  Other  Shore. 

She  was  a  Good  Woman  who  never 
formed  the  Matinee  Habit  and  up  to  the 
Day  of  her  Death  she  could  put  her  Hand 
on  her  Heart  and  truly  say  that  she  had 
not  wasted  any  Money  on  Jewelry  or  Cut 
Flowers. 

But  she  could  have  written  a  large  Book 
on  how  it  feels  to  get  up  in  the  Morning 
and  stir  a  little  Oatmeal. 

Pa  and  Ma  saved  and  skimped  and  held 
out  and  trimmed  and  maneuvered  for 
Years. 

They  had  been  brought  up  in  the  School 
of  Hard  Knocks,  but  they  wanted  Bertrand 
and  Isabel  to  go  through  Life  on  Ball 
Bearings. 

[24] 


THE  HEIR  AND  THE  HEIRESS 

Pa  finally  went  to  his  Reward,  according 
to  the  Local  Paper,  and  then  it  came  out 
that  Bertrand  and  Isabel  had  $400,000 
each,  which  was  more  than  Pa  had  ever 
turned  in  to  the  Assessor. 

These  two  Children  had  been  sheltered 
from  the  Great  World,  although  never 
stinted  in  the  matter  of  Sassafras  Tea  or 
the  Privilege  of  reading  Books  written  by 
Josephus  and  others. 

As  soon  as  he  came  into  his  ^Inheritance, 
Bertrand  looked  about  in  a  startled  Manner 
and  then  bought  himself  a  Plush  Hat  and 
began  to  cultivate  Pimples. 

A  few  Days  later  he  might  have  been  seen 
riding  in  a  Demonstrating  Car  with  a 
Salesman  who  wore  Goggles  and  who  told 
him  that  all  the  Swell  Guys  were  putting 
in  Orders  for  the  $6,200  Type  with  the 
jeweled  Mud-Guards.  And  next  Morning 
the  Sexton  observed  that  Father,  by  turn- 
[251 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

ing    over    in    the    Grave,    had    somewhat 
loosened  the  fresh  Earth. 

Bertrand  had  Modern  Plumbing  putjnto 
the  Old  House  and  built  a  Porte  Cochere 
on  the  Side  and  moved  a  lot  of  Red  Velvet 
Furniture  into  the  Parlor.  Some  said  that 
theTMoaning  Sound  heard  at  Night  was  only 
the  Wind  in  the  Evergreens,  but  others 
allowed  that  it  was  the  returned  Spirit  of  the 
Loan  Agent  checking  over  the  Expenses. 

Isabel  stopped  wearing  Things  that 
scratched  her  and  began  ordering  from  a 
Catalogue,  because  the  Local  Dealers 
didn't  carry  anything  but  Common  Stuff. 
Also  she  began  to  Entertain,  and  the  first 
time  she  served  Hot-House  Asparagus  in 
January,  the  House  rocked  on  its  Foun 
dations. 

Bertrand  soon  knew  the  Difference  be 
tween  a  Rickey  and  a  Sour  and  was  trying 
to  pretend  to  let  on  to  be  fond  of  the  Smoky 
[261 


THE  HEIR  AND  THE  HEIRESS 

Taste  in  that  Imported  Article  which  has 
done  so  much  to  mitigate  the  Horrors  of 
Golf. 

In  the  meantime,  Isabel  had  got  so  far 
along  that  she  could  tell  by  the  Feel 
whether  the  Goods  were  real  or  only  Mer 
cerized,  and  each  Setting  Sun  saw  a  new 
Crimp  in  the  Bank  Account. 

All  Statisticians  agree  that  a  couple  of 
Heirs  can  spend  Much  Money  and  yet  be 
sides  if  they  do  not  work  at  anything  else. 
Especially  when  every  Pearl  in  the  Rope 
represents  a  Chattel  Mortgage  and  a  fancy 
Weskit  is  a  stand-off  for  One  Month's  Rent 
of  a  good  piece  of  Town  Property. 

Bertrand  married  a  tall  Blonde  who 
knew  that  Columbus  discovered  America 
and  which  kind  of  Massage  Cream  to  buy, 
and  let  it  go  at  that. 

They  went  abroad  and  began  to  Ritz 
themselves.  Every  time  Madam  walked 

ran 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

into  one  of  those  places  marked  "English 
Spoken  while  you  Wait"— Zing!  The 
Letter  of  Credit  resembled  a  piece  of  Apple 
Pie  just  after  the  willing  Farm  Hand  has 
taken  a  Hack  at  it. 

Isabel  hastened  to  make  an  Alliance  with 
one  of  the  oldest  and  toniest  Families  west 
of  Bucyrus  and  north  of  Evansville.  She 
succeeded  in  capturing  an  awful  Swell 
Boy  who  wore  an  Outside  Pocket  on  his 
Dress  Coat  and  made  a  grand  Salad  Dress 
ing  (merely  rubbing  the  Bowl  with  a  Sprig 
of  Garlic)  and  was  otherwise  qualified  to 
maintain  Social  Leadership  all  the  way  from 
the  Round  House  up  to  the  Hub  and  Spoke 
Factory  on  the  Hill. 

Isabel's  Husband  built  a  House  near  the 
Country  Club  so  as  to  get  the  Automobile 
Trade,  coming  and  going.  Some  of  the 
Best  People  would  drop  in  and  show  the 
Ice-Box  how  to  take  a  Joke. 
[281 


THE  HEIR  AND  THE  HEIRESS 

Late  at  Night,  when  a  Hush  fell  upon  the 
$28,000  Bungalow,  the  Deep  Quiet  signified 
that  some  had  Passed  Away  and  others 
had  locked  Horns  at  Bridge  — 10  Cents 
a  Point. 

Even  Lake  Superior  would  go  Dry  if 
tapped  at  two  different  Points  by  Drain 
Pipes  of  Sufficient  Diameter. 

After  Bertrand  returned  from  Europe 
with  his  Paintings  and  a  Table  d'Hote 
Vocabulary,  he  and  Brother-in-Law  began 
to  compare  Mortgages.  By  consulting  the 
Road-Map  they  discovered  that  the  Prim 
rose  Path  would  lead  them  over  a  high 
Precipice  into  a  Stone  Quarry,  so  they  de 
cided  to  take  a  Short  Cut  at  Right  Angles 
and  head  for  the  Millionaire  Colony. 

The   Day   they   started  for  New  York 

City  with  a   Coil   of   Strong  Rope,  their 

purpose    being    to    tie    Kuhn,   Loeb  Co., 

Hand  and  Foot,  it  is  said  that  a  long  verti- 

[29] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

cal  Crack  appeared  in  one  of  the  most 
expensive  Monuments  in  Springvale  Ceme 
tery,  as  if  some  one  underneath  had  been 
trying  to  break  out  and  Head  Off  some 
thing. 

In  preserving  the  form  of  a  Narrative  it 
becomes  necessary  to  add  that  Bertrand  is 
now  the  obliging  Night  Clerk  at  a  Hotel 
in  Louisville,  with  a  Maximum  Rate  of 
$1.50  Single  and  a  Shower  Bath. 

Brother-in-Law  is  Assistant  Treasurer  at 
a  Temple  of  Amusement  which  guarantees 
all  the  latest  and  best  Films. 

What  became  of  the  Bundle? 

Listen. 

When  Pa  locked  up  his  Desk  and  started 
for  the  Pearly  Gates,  he  left  behind  in 
the  office  an  humble  Man  Friday,  who 
took  care  of  the  Books  and  did  the  Collect 
ing. 

This  Understrapper  was  a  Model  Citizen 
[30] 


THE  HEIR  AND  THE  HEIRESS 

of  35  who  wore  a  plain  String  Tie,  drank 
Malted  Milk  and  was  slightly  troubled  with 
Bronchitis. 

When  the  Children  began  throwing  it  at 
the  Birds,  he  bought  himself  a  Net  and  got 
Busy. 

Any  time  Anybody  wanted  to  plaster  a 
Mortgage  on  a  Desirable  Corner  he  was 
there  with  a  Fountain  Pen  and  a  Notary. 

It  nearly  broke  his  Back  to  carry  all  the 
Property,  but  he  kept  buying  it  in  and  then 
hung  over  his  Desk  until  all  Hours  of  the 
Night  figuring  how  he  could  meet  the 
Payments. 

He  wore  the  same  Overcoat  for  nine 
years  and  his  Wife  never  saw  one  of  those 
Hats  with  Magoozulum  and  Bazoosh 
flounced  all  over  it  unless  she  went  down 
town  and  looked  through  a  Window. 

One  Day  a  friend  remonstrated  with  the 
Slave. 

[31] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

"Why  are  you  wearing  yourself  to  a 
Shadow  and  getting  Old  before  your  Time?" 
he  asked.  "What  shall  it  avail  a  Man  if  he 
is  Principal  Depositor  at  a  Bank  when  it 
comes  to  riding  behind  Horses  that  wear 
Plumes?" 

"I  will  tell  you,"  replied  the  Slave.  "I 
have  a  Boy  named  Bertrand  and  a  little 
Girl  named  Isabel  and  my  Wife  and  I  have 
decided  that  it  is  our  Duty  to  leave  them 
Well-Fixed." 

MORAL:  Somebody  must  rake  up  the 
Leaves  before  the  Young  People  can  have 
a  successful  Bon-Pire. 


[32] 


THE  UNDECIDED  BACHELORS 

ONCE  upon  a  Time  two  Mavericks  lived 
together  in  a  Cubby-Hole  in  a  European 
Hotel  in  a  surging  Metropolis. 

They  worked  for  a  grinding  Corporation, 
each  pulling  down  a  Stipend  that  enabled 
him  to  indulge  in  Musical  Comedies,  Rota 
tion  Pool,  Turkish  Cigarettes,  Link  But 
tons  and  other  Necessities  of  Life. 

Often  they  would  put  their  Feet  on  the 
Window  Sill  and  talk  about  the  Future. 

They  said  that  every  Man  should  have  a 
Home  of  his  Own.  To  the  Beanery  thrice 
a  Day  and  then  back  to  the  Box  Stall  was 
no  Life  for  a  refined  Caucasian. 

Number  One  had  a  Theory  that  Two 
could  get  along  as  cheaply  as  One,  if  the 
[33] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Wife  would  practise  Rigid  Economy. 
Rents  were  lower  in  the  Suburbs.  He 
looked  up  into  the  Pipe-Smoke  and  caught 
a  Vision  of  a  Bungalow  with  Hollyhocks  in 
front  and  a  Hammock  swinging  in  the 
Breeze.  Somehow  he  felt  that  he 
never  would  save  any  Money  until  he 
took  the  High  Jump  and  became  a  Fam 
ily  Man. 

Number  Two  had  a  vague  Yearning  to 
experiment  with  Matrimony,  but  he  said 
he  would  wait  until  he  was  Fixed.  When 
he  could  open  up  the  little  old  Bank-Book 
and  see  in  plain  sigljt  the  Ice-Box  and  the 
Talking  Machine  and  the  Dining-Room 
Chairs,  then,  and  not  until  then,  would  he 
ask  a  Nice  Girl  to  leave  a  Comfortable 
Home  and  take  a  Gamble. 

Number  One  picked  out  a  Stenographer 
who  was  ready  to  retire,  on  account  of  her 
Spelling,  and  then  he  called  on  the  License 
[34] 


THE  UNDECIDED  BACHELORS 

Clerk,  a  Presbyterian  Minister  and  the 
Weekly  Payment  Shark. 

He  packed  up  his  Banjo  and  the  Mili 
tary  Brushes  and  left  Number  Two 
marooned  in  the  Rat  Pit  with  the  Oak 
Dresser  and  the  Pictures  of  Anna  Held 
on  the  Wall. 

Number  Two  said  he  would  swim  the 
River  and  join  him  in  the  Promised  Land 
as  soon  as  he  was  Two  Thousand  to  the 
Good. 

Soon  after  the  break-up  of  the  Damon 
and  Pythias  Combination,  one  of  them  was 
transferred  to  the  Detroit  Branch. 

They  did  not  meet  again  until  ten  years 
later. 

One  day  the  Benedict  had  little  Marjorie 
and  the  Baby  out  at  the  Public  Zoo,  so  they 
could  hear  the  Sea  Lions  bark,  when  Num 
ber  Two  came  along  in  a  Sight-Seeing 
Automobile  with  other  Delegates  to  the 
F35 1 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

National  Conclave  of  the  Knights  of 
Neurasthenia. 

It  was  a  Happy  Meeting  between  the 
two  Old  Friends. 

Number  One  reported  that  his  Little 
Girl  could  recite  long  Poems  by  Heart  and 
was  about  to  take  Music  Lessons.  He  was 
living  in  a  Flat,  but  was  about  to  move. 

Number  Two  said  he  was  Finer  than  Silk 
except  that  Hotel  Cooking  had  got  to  him 
at  last  and  he  had  to  stop  in  and  see  an 
Osteopath  every  Morning. 

"You  are  still  Unmarried?"  asked  Num 
ber  One. 

"Yes,"  was  the  Reply.  "I  am  still 
$2,230  Shy  of  what  a  Guy  needs  before 
tackling  such  a  risky  Game.  How  are  you 
making  it?" 

"I  am  Broke,  thank  you,"  replied  Num 
ber  One. 

With  the  utmost  Good  Feeling  reestab- 
[361 


THE  UNDECIDED  BACHELOR 

lished  between  them,  they  took  Marjorie 
and  the  Baby  over  to  see  the  Sacred  Cow 
and  the  other  Dumb  Animals. 

MORAL:  Opportunity  knocks  once  at 
Every  Man's  Door  and  then  keeps  on 
Knocking. 


37 


THE  WONDERFUL  MEAL  OF  VITTLES 

ONCE  upon  a  Time  a  Rugged  Character 
from  the  Middle  West  was  in  New  York 
City  fixing  up  a  Deal. 

Although  he  wore  overlapping  Cuffs 
and  a  ready-made  Tie,  he  had  a  Rating,  so 
a  certain  Promoter  with  an  Office  in  Broad 
Street  found  it  advisable  to  make  a  Fuss 
over  him. 

The  Promoter  invited  the  prospective 
Mark  to  Luncheon  and  arranged  to  have 
the  same  served  in  a  snug  Corner  entirely 
screened  by  Oleanders  and  Palms. 

The  Chef  received  private  Instructions 
to  throw  himself,  so  he  personally  super 
vised  a  dainty  Menu. 

When  the  Visitor  entered  the  far-famed 
[38] 


WONDERFUL  MEAL  OF  VITTLES 

Establishment  and  found  himself  entirely 
protected  from  the  Vulgar  Gaze  he  knew 
that  at  last  he  was  in  the  Headquarters  for 
sure-enough  Food. 

"What  is  it?"  he  asked,  gazing  into  the 
limpid  Amber  of  the  First  Course. 

"Turtle  Soup,"  replied  the  Host. 

"We  shoot  the  Blame  Things  just  for 
Practice,  out  our  Way,"  said  the  Guest, 
"but  if  I  went  Home  and  told  my  Wrife  I'd 
been  eatin'  Turtle  she  wouldn't  live  with 


me." 


So  the  Alsatian  Nobleman  hurried  it 
away  and  substituted  a  Tid-Bit  with  Cray- 
Fish  as  the  principal  Ornament  in  the 
Ensemble. 

"It's  a  Craw-Dabber!"  exclaimed  the 
horrified  Man  from  the  Prairies.  "I  see 
Ten  Million  of  them  little  Cusses  every 
Spring,  but  I  wouldn't  touch  one  with  a 
Ten-Foot  Pole." 

[391 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

To  relieve  the  embarrassing  Situation, 
the  Host  gave  a  Sign  and  the  Menials  came 
running  with  the  Third  Course,  a  tempting 
array  of  Frog  Saddles. 

"A  Frog  is  a  Reptile,"  said  the  Hoosier, 
backing    away    from    the    Table.     "I've 
heard  they  were  Et,  but  I  never  believed  it. 
I  can  go  out  any  Morning  and  gather  a 
Car-Load." 

The  next  Serving  was  Breast  of  Guinea 
Hen  with  Mushrooms  under  Glass  on  the 
Side. 

"On  my  Farm  I've  got  a  lot  of  these 
Things,"  said  the  Guest,  poking  at  the 
Guinea  Hen  timidly  with  his  Fork.  "We 

use  them  as  Alarm  Clocks,  but  I'd  just  as 

soon  eat  a  Turkey  Buzzard." 
"How  about  the  Mushrooms?" 
"Eight   People   in   our  Township   were 

poisoned  this  Summer  from  f oolin*  with  that 

Truck.     My  pasture's  speckled  with  'em, 
[40] 


WONDERFUL  MEAL  OF  VITTLES 

but  we  never  pick  'em.  Most  of  them  are 
Toadstools.  I  tried  a  Real  One  once  at  a 
K.  P.  Banquet.  It  tasted  a  good  deal  like 
a  Rubber  Glove." 

The  only  remaining  Item  before  Dessert 
was  a  tempting  Salad  of  Water  Cress. 

The  Guest  identified  it  as  something  that 
grew  in  the  Crick  below  the  Spring  and  was 
commonly  classified  as  Grass. 

"Perhaps  you  had  better  order  for  Your 
self,"  said  the  Host,  as  the  lowly  Water 
Cress  followed  the  others  into  the  Discard. 

The  Guest  motioned  the  Waiter  to  come 
close  and  said:  "I  want  a  nice  Oyster 
Stew  and  some  Sparkling  Burgundy." 

MORAL:  A  Delicacy  is  something  not 
raised  in  the  same  County. 


A. 

•X 


THE  GALLOPING  PILGRIM 

A  CERTAIN  affluent  Bachelor  happened 
to  be  the  only  Grandson  of  a  rugged  Early 
Settler  who  wore  a  Coon-Skin  Cap  and 
drank  Corn  Juice  out  of  a  Jug.  Away  back 
in  the  Days  when  every  Poor  Man  had 
Bacon  in  the  Smoke  House,  this  Pioneer 
had  been  soaked  in  a  Trade  and  found  him 
self  loaded  up  with  a  Swamp  Subdivision 
in  the  Edge  of  Town. 

Fifty  years  later  the  City  had  spread  two 
miles  beyond  the  Swamp  and  Grandson  was 
submerged  beneath  so  much  Unearned 
Increment  that  he  began  to  speak  with  what 
sounded  to  him  like  an  English  Accent  and 
his  Shirts  were  ordered  from  Paris. 

On  the  1st  of  every  Month  the  Agents 
[42] 


THE  GALLOPING  PILGRIM 

would  crawl  into  the  Presence  of  the  Grand 
son  of  the  mighty  Muskrat  Hunter  and 
dump  before  him  a  Wagon-load  of  Paper 
Money  which  had  been  snatched  away  from 
the  struggling  Shop-Keepers,  who,  in  turn, 
had  wheedled  it  from  the  People  who  paid 
a  Nickel  apiece  for  Sunday  Papers  so  as  to 
look  at  the  Pictures  of  the  Decorations  in 
the  Supper  Room  at  the  Assembly  Ball 
graced  by  the  Presence  of  the  aforesaid 
Bachelor  whose  Grandfather  had  lifted 
the  original  Catfish  out  of  the  Chicago  River. 

Then  the  Representative  of  the  Old 
Family  would  take  a  Garden  Rake  and 
pattern  all  this  hateful  Currency  into  a 
neat  Mound,  after  which  a  milk-fed  Secre 
tary  would  iron  it  out  and  disinfect  it  and 
sprinkle  it  with  Lilac  Water  and  tie  it  into 
artistic  Packets,  using  Old  Gold  Ribbon. 

After  that,  it  was  Hard  Lines  for  the 
Bachelor,  because  he  had  to  sit  by  a  win- 
[43] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

dow  at  the  Club  and  dope  out  some  new 
Way  of  getting  all  that  Coin  back  into 
Circulation. 

As  a  result  of  these  Herculean  Efforts  to 
vaporize  his  Income,  he  found  himself  at 
the  age  of  40  afflicted  with  Social  Gastritis. 
He  had  gorged  himself  with  the  Pleasures 
of  this  World  until  the  sight  of  a  Menu 
Card  gave  him  the  Willies  and  the  mere 
mention  of  Musical  Comedy  would  cause 
him  to  break  down  and  Cry  like  a  Child. 

He  had  crossed  the  Atlantic  so  often  that 
he  no  longer  wished  to  sit  at  the  Captain's 
Table.  He  had  rolled  them  high  at  Monte 
Carlo  and  watched  the  Durbar  at  Delhi  and 
taken  Tea  on  the  Terrace  at  Shepheard's 
in  Cairo  and  rickshawed  through  Japan  and 
ridden  the  surf  in  Honolulu,  while  his  Name 
was  a  Household  Word  among  the  Barmaids 
of  the  Ice  Palace  in  London,  otherwise 
known  as  the  Savoy. 

[44] 


"  He  had  to  sit  by  a  window  at  the  club  and  dope  out  some  new 
way  of  getting  all  that  coin  back  into  circulation  " 


THE  GALLOPING  PILGRIM 

Occasionally  he  would  return  to  his 
provincial  Home  to  raise  the  Rents  on  the 
Shop-Keepers  and  give  out  an  Interview 
criticising  the  New  School  of  Politicians  for 
trifling  with  Vested  Interests  and  seeking 
to  disturb  Existing  Conditions. 

Any  time  his  Rake-Off  was  reduced  from 
$10  a  Minute  to  $9.98  he  would  let  out  a 
Howl  like  a  Prairie  Wolf  and  call  upon 
Mortimer,  his  Man,  for  Sympathy. 

After  Twenty  Years  of  getting  up  at 
Twilight  to  throw  aside  the  Pyjamas  and 
take  a  Tub  and  ease  himself  into  the  Cos 
tume  made  famous  by  John  Drew,  the 
Routine  of  buying  Golden  Pheasants  and 
Special  Cuvee  Vintages  for  almost-Ladies, 
preserved  by  Benzoate  of  Soda  and  other 
Chemical  Mysteries,  began  to  lose  its  Sharp 
Zest. 

In  other  Words,  he  was  All  In. 

He  was  Track-Sore  and  Blase  and  full  of 
[471 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Ongway.  He  had  played  the  whole  String 
and  found  there  was  nothing  to  it  and  now  he 
was  ready  to  retire  to  a  Monastery  and  wear 
a  Gunny-Sack  Smoking  Jacket  and  live  on 
Spinach. 

The  Vanities  of  the  Night- World  had  got 
on  his  Nerves  at  last.  Instead  of  sitting 
8  Feet  away  from  an  Imported  Orchestra 
at  2  A.  M.  and  taunting  his  poor  old  Ali 
mentary  System  with  Sea  Food,  he  began 
to  prefer  to  take  a  10-Grain  Sleeping  Pow 
der  and  fall  back  in  the  Alfalfa. 

About  Noon  the  next  Day  he  would  come 
up  for  Air,  and  in  order  to  kill  the  rest  of  the 
Day  he  would  have  to  hunt  up  a  Game  of 
Auction  Bridge  with  three  or  four  other 
gouty  old  Mavericks. 

When  the  Carbons  begin  to  burn  low  in 
the  sputtering  Arc  Lights  along  the  Boule 
vard  of  Pleasure  and  the  Night  Wind  cuts 
like  a  Chisel  and  the  Reveler  finds  his 
[48] 


THE  GALLOPING  PILGRIM 

bright  crimson  Brannigan  slowly  dissolving 
itself  into  a  Bust  Head,  there  is  but  one 
thing  for  a  Wise  Ike  to  do  and  that  is  to 
Chop  on  the  Festivities  and  beat  it  to  a 
Rest  Cure. 

That  is  just  what  the  well-fixed  Bachelor 
decided  to  do. 

He  resolved  to  Marry  and  get  away  from 
the  Bright  Lights  and  lie  down  somewhere 
in  a  quilted  Dressing  Gown  and  a  pair  of 
Soft  Slippers  and  devote  the  remainder  of 
his  Life  to  a  grand  clean-up  of  the  Works 
of  Arnold  Bennett. 

He  selected  a  well-seasoned  Senorita 
who  was  still  young  enough  to  show  to  your 
Men  Friends  but  old  enough  to  cut  out  all 
the  prevalent  Mushgush  about  the  Irish 
Drama  and  Norwegian  Art  and  Buddhism 
and  the  true  Symbolism  of  Russian  Danc 
ing. 

Best  of  all,  she  had  a  spotless  Reputation, 
[49] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

holding  herself  down  to  one  Bronx  at  a 
Time  and  always  going  behind  a  Screen  to 
do  her  Inhaling. 

They  were  Married  according  to  the 
new  Ceremonies  devised  by  the  Ringling 
Brothers.  As  they  rode  away  to  their 
Future  Home,  the  old  Stager  leaned  back 
in  the  Limousine  and  said:  "At  last  the 
Bird  has  Lit.  I  am  going  to  put  on  the 
Simple  Life  for  an  Indefinite  Run.  I  have 
played  the  Hoop-La  Game  to  a  Standstill, 
so  it  is  me  for  a  Haven  of  Rest." 

As  soon  as  they  were  safely  in  their  own 
Apartments,  the  beautiful  Bride  began  to 
do  Flip  Flops  and  screech  for  Joy. 

"At  last  I  have  a  License  to  cut  loose!" 
she  exclaimed.  "For  years  I  have  han 
kered  and  honed  to  be  Dead  Game  and 
back  Excitement  right  off  the  Cards,  but 
every  time  I  pulled  a  Caper  the  stern-faced 
Mater  would  be  at  Elbow,  saying:  'Nix 
[50] 


THE  GALLOPING  PILGRIM 

on  the  Acrobatics  or  you'll  lose  your 
Number.'  Now  I'm  a  regular  honest-to- 
goodness  Married  Woman  and  I  don't 
recognize  any  Limit  except  the  Sky-Line. 
I  grabbed  you  because  I  knew  you  had  been 
to  all  the  Places  that  keep  Open  and  could 
frame  up  a  new  Jamboree  every  day  in  the 
Year.  I'm  going  to  plow  an  8-foot  Furrow 
across  Europe  and  Dine  forevermore  at 
Swell  Joints  where  famous  Show  Girls  pass 
so  close  to  your  Table  that  you  can  almost 
reach  out  and  Touch  them.  I'm  going  to 
Travel  12  months  every  Year  and  do  all 
the  Stunts  known  to  the  most  imbecile 
Globe-Trotter." 

A  few  Weeks  after  that,  a  Haggard  Man 
with  tattered  Coat-Tails  was  seen  going 
over  the  old  familiar  Jumps. 

MORAL:  Those  who  Marry  to  Escape 
something  usually  find  Something  Else. 


J&* 

ijj* 

THE  PROGRESSIVE  MANIAC 

ONCE  there  was  a  staid  and  well-behaved 
Citizen  who  took  home  a  dab  of  Steak, 
wrapped  up  in  Brown  paper,  nearly  every 
Evening,  and  found  his  Excitement  by 
working  on  the  Puzzle  Column  in  the 
Church  Paper. 

In  order  to  run  out  to  his  Farm  and  save 
the  Expense  of  keeping  a  Gee-Gee,  he  pur 
chased  a  kind  of  Highway  Beetle,  known  as 
a  Runabout.  It  was  a  One-Lunger  with  a 
Wheel  Base  of  nearly  28  inches  and  two 
Coal  Oil  Gleamers. 

When  standing  still,  it  panted  like  a 
Dachshund  and  breathed  Blue  Smoke 
through  the  Gills. 

It  steered  with  a  Rudder,  the  same  as  a 
[531 


THE  PROGRESSIVE  MANIAC 

Canal  Boat,  and  every  time  it  started  up  a 
4  per  cent  Grade  it  became  Black  in  the 
Face  and  tried  to  lie  down. 

All  the  large  brutal-looking  Cars  with 
the  swollen  Wheels  came  along  and  tried 
to  Ditch  him.  They  showed  him  the  same 
courteous  consideration  that  would  be  lav 
ished  upon  a  Colored  Republican  Orator  in 
Tuscaloosa,  Ala. 

When  he  pulled  up  alongside  of  the  Road 
to  adjust  the  Buzzer  and  jiggle  the  Feed 
and  clean  the  Plug,  the  idle  Spectators 
would  stand  around  and  remark  that  the 
mixture  was  wrong  and  the  Ignition  was 
Punk  and  the  Transmission  was  a  Fliv.  So 
he  knew  he  was  In  Wrong. 

He  traded  for  a  dashing  2-Cylinder  Al- 
fair  painted  Red,  with  a  TonneaU  as  wide 
and  roomy  as  a  Telephone  Booth,  and 
approached  from  the  extreme  Rear  by  a 
small  Door,  as  in  the  case  of  a  Blind  Pig. 
[53] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

When  he  turned  in  the  Runabout,  he  was 
allowed  one  Outer  Casing  and  a  Monkey- 
wrench  in  Exchange. 

He  was  Some  Motorist  for  about  Three 
Weeks  after  the  delivery  of  Juggernaut 
Number  Two.  He  wore  Leather  Clothes, 
the  same  as  Barney  Oldfield. 

But  when  he  bumped  up  against  the 
Owners  of  the  Big  Touring  Cars  he  was  just 
as  much  at  home  as  a  One-armed  Man  at  a 
Husking  Bee. 

He  began  to  discover  that  in  the  Gasoline 
Set  a  Man  is  rated  by  the  number  of 
Cylinders  he  carries. 

At  the  beginning  of  the  Third  Season  we 
find  him  steering  a  long,  low,  rakish  Chariot 
of  Fire,  with  a  Clock,  a  Trunk-Rack,  an 
Emergency  Ice-Box  and  all  the  other  Com 
forts  of  Home.  He  had  learned  to  smell 
a  Constable  a  Mile  off  and  whenever  he 
ran  up  behind  a  Pewee  Coffee-Grinder  he 
[54] 


THE  PROGRESSIVE  MANIAC 

went  into  the  High  and  made  the  Cheap 
Machine  look  like  a  Fish. 

Whenever  the  Bobbler  pointed  to  any 
thing  short  of  40  he  felt  that  he  was  just 
the  same  as  standing  still.  He  loved  to 
throw  open  the  Muffler  and  hit  the  High 
Spots,  never  stopping  until  the  Wheels 
became  clogged  up  with  Live  Stock  and 
Poultry. 

One  day  while  he  was  breezing  along  the 
Pike  at  the  easy  Clip  usually  maintained 
by  the  Twentieth  Century  Limited,  he 
heard  behind  him  a  low  and  sullen  Roar,  as 
of  the  Wind  playing  through  1,000  Pine 
Trees,  and  something  Gray  and  about  as 
long-waisted  as  a  Torpedo  Boat  shot  past 
him  and  went  over  the  Hill.  He  fell  for 
ward  on  the  Wheel  and  began  to  Weep. 

He  had  been  Shown  Up. 

He  knew  that  he  could  never  look  his 
Fellow-Man  in  the  Eye  until  he  traded  in 
[551 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

and  got  a  Six  with  enough  Power  to  jump 
Small  Streams  and  Climb  Trees. 

At  last  he  appeared  on  the  Road  with  the 
Real  Thing.  It  had  Armor  Plate  all  over 
it  and  a  10-foot  Cow  Catcher  in  front,  and 
the  Driver  had  to  sit  on  the  Small  of  his 
Back  and  wear  a  Helmet. 

The  Morning  he  ran  it  out  of  the  Garage 
a  Prominent  Insurance  Company  foreclosed 
on  the  Farm,  but  he  was  in  a  cheery  Mood, 
for  he  knew  he  could  cut  Rings  around  any 
other  Balloon  in  the  County. 

One  Morning  he  went  around  a  Curve  on 
Two  Wheels  and  tried  to  dislodge  a  New 
Bridge  turned  out  by  the  Steel  Trust  and 
imbedded  in  solid  Concrete. 

A  Neighbour  went  to  the  Widow  and 
Said:  "I  have  Sad  News  for  you.  Your 
Husband  has  gone  to  his  Reward." 

"When  did  he  start?"  asked  the  Be 
reaved  Woman. 

[56] 


THE  PROGRESSIVE  MANIAC 

"At  Ten  Thirty-Eight,"  was  the  Reply. 

"What  Time  is  it  Now?" 

"It  lacks  Four  Minutes  of  being  Eleven 
o'Clock." 

"Well,"  she  remarked,  in  a  Relieved 
Tone,  "He  must  be  There  by  this  Time, 
unless  he  has  had  a  Puncture." 

MORAL:  The  Cocaine  and  Morphine 
Habits  can  be  Cured. 


[57] 


COGNIZANT  OF  OUR 
SHORTCOMINGS 

ON  the  deck  of  a  Trans-Atlantic  Skiff  a 
certain  Old  Traveler,  who  owed  allegiance 
to  George  and  Mary,  reclined  on  his  Cer 
vical  Vertebrae  with  a  Plaid  Shawl  around 
him  and  roasted  Our  Native  Land. 

He  told  the  American  in  the  next  Steamer 
Chair  that  he  had  been  unable  to  get  his 
Tea  at  the  usual  Hour,  and  out  in  that  place 
called  Minnie -Apples  the  stupid  Waiter 
never  had  heard  of  Bloaters  for  Breakfast. 
Furthermore,  he  had  not  seen  his  Boots 
again  after  placing  them  outside  the  Door 
in  Chicago. 

The  Houses  were  overheated  and  the 
Railway  Carriages  were  not  like  those  at 
[58] 


A  Certain  Old  Traveler 


OUR  SHORTCOMINGS 

Home,  and  the  Reporters  were  Forward 
Chaps,  and  Ice  should  not  be  added 
with  the  Soda,  because  it  was  not  being 
Done. 

He  was  jolly  glad  to  escape  from  the 
Wretched  Hole  and  get  back  to  his  own 
Lodgings,  where  he  could  go  into  Cold 
Storage  and  have  a  Joint  of  Mutton  and 
Brussels  Sprouts  as  often  as  desired. 

The  Yankee  cringed  under  the  Attack 
and  then  fully  agreed  with  the  Son  of  am 
phibious  Albion.  He  said  we  were  a  new 
and  crude  People  who  did  not  know  how 
to  wear  Evening  Clothes  or  eat  Stilton 
Cheese,  and  our  Politicians  were  corrupt, 
and  Murderers  went  unpunished,  while  the 
Average  Citizen  was  a  dyspeptic  Skate 
afflicted  with  Moral  Strabismus. 

Then  he  retired  to  his  State  Room  to 
weep  over  the  Situation,  and  the  British 
Subject  said:  "The  American  is  a  Pol- 
[61] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

troon,  for  he  will  not  defend  his  own  Hearth 
and  Fireside." 

A  Cook's  Tourist  from  Emporia,  Kansas, 
dropped  into  the  Vacant  Chair.  When  the 
Delegate  from  The  Rookery,  Wormwood 
Scrubs,  Islington  S.  E.,  resumed  his  scorch 
ing  Arraignment  of  the  U.  S.  A.,  he  got  an 
awful  Rise  out  of  the  Boy  from  the  Corn 
Belt. 

The  Emporia  Man  said  there  were  more 
Bath  Tubs  to  the  Square  Mile  out  in  his 
Burg  than  you  could  find  in  the  West  End 
of  London,  and  more  Paupers  and  Beggars 
in  one  Square  Mile  of  the  East  End  of 
London  than  you  could  find  in  the  whole 
State  of  Kansas.  He  said  there  were 
fewer  Murders  in  England  because  good 
Opportunities  were  being  overlooked. 

He  said  he  could  Tip  any  one  in  England 
except,  possibly,  the  Archbishop  of  Can 
terbury. 

[62] 


OUR  SHORTCOMINGS 

It  was  his  unbiased  Opinion  thaifLondon 
consisted  of  a  vast  swarm  of  melancholy 
Members  of  the  Middle  and  Lower  Classes 
of  the  Animal  Kingdom  who  ate  Sponge 
Cake  with  Clinkers  in  it,  drank  Tea,  smoked 
Pipes  and  rode  by  Bus,  and  thought  they 
were  Living. 

Standing  beneath  the  rippling  folds  of 
Old  Glory,  the  proud  Citizen  of  the  Great 
Republic  declared  that  we  could  wallop 
Great  Britain  at  any  Game  from  Polo  up 
to  Prize-Fighting  and  if  we  cut  down  on  the 
the  Food  Supplies  the  whole  blamed  Runt 
of  an  undersized  Island  would  starve  to 
death  in  a  Week. 

With  quivering  Nostrils,  he  heaped  Scorn 
and  Contumely  upon  any  Race  that  would 
call  a  Pie  a  Tart.  In  conclusion,  he  ex 
pressed  Pity  for  those  who  never  had  tasted 
Corn  on  the  Cob. 

After  he  had  gone  up  to  the  Bridge  Deck 
[63] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

to  play  Shuffle-Board,  the  Representative 
of  the  Tightest  little  Island  on  the  Map  took 
out  his  Note-Book  and  made  the  following 
Entry :  "  Every  Beggar  living  in  the  States 
is  a  Bounder  and  a  Braggart." 

That  evening  in  the  Smoke  Room  he 
began  to  pull  his  favorite  Specialty  of 
ragging  the  Yanks  on  a  New  Yorker,  who 
interrupted  him  by  saying:  "Really  I 
know  nothing  about  my  own  Country.  I 
spend  the  Winter  in  Egypt,  the  Spring  in 
London,  the  Summer  in  Carlsbad,  and  the 
Autumn  in  Paree." 

So  the  Traveler  afterward  reported  to  a 
Learned  Society  that  the  Typical  American 
had  become  a  denatured  Expatriate. 

MORAL:    No  Chance. 


[64] 


THE  DIVINE  SPARK 

ONE  Evening  at  a  Converted  Rink  known 
as  the  Grand  Opera  House,  a  flock  of  in 
trepid  Amateurs  put  on  a  War  Drama. 

Lila,  principal  Child  of  the  Egg  and 
Poultry  King,  played  a  Daughter  of  the 
Southland,  with  her  Hair  shaken  out  and 
Lamp  Black  on  her  Eye- Winkers,  so  as 
to  look  like  Maxine. 

All  of  her  Relations  and  the  other  Mem 
bers  of  the  Pocahontas  Bridge  Whist  and 
Pleasure  Club  were  in  Front,  and  they 
gave  her  a  Hand  every  time  she  stepped 
out  from  behind  a  Tree. 

She  scored  what  is  known  in  the  Ibsen 
Cult  as  a  Knock-Out. 

At  11  P.  M.  she  was  up  on  a  lonesome 
[65] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Eminence,  right  between  Sara  Bernhardt 
and  Julia  Marlowe,  waiting  for  a  Tele 
gram  from  C.  F.  to  come  on  and  tackle  any 
R61e  that  was  too  Heavy  for  Maude 
Adams. 

The  proud  Parents  awoke  next  Morning 
to  discover  that  Lady  Macbeth  was  board 
ing  with  them. 

When  she  moved  from  one  Room  to 
another,  the  Portieres  had  to  be  spread  the 
entire  length  of  the  Pole,  so  as  to  make 
Room  for  her  Head. 

A  local  Haberdasher,  who  had  been 
plotting  to  surround  her  with  a  new  Bunga 
low  and  a  lot  of  Mission  Furniture,  went 
to  call  as  per  Usual  and  found  her  away  Up 
Stage,  trying  to  look  like  Margaret  Anglin 
in  the  Big  Scene. 

She  was  too  busy  to  Hold  Hands,  for 
she  was  mapping  out  a  Career  which  ter 
minated  with  an  Electric  Sign  on  Broadway 
[66] 


"  She  was  too  busy  to  Hold  Hands,  for  she  was  mapping  out  a 
Career" 


THE  DIVINE  SPARK 

and  the  Street  jammed  with  up-town 
Limousines. 

So  the  Gents'  Furnisher  moved  down  the 
Street  to  a  Brick  House,  the  unmarried 
Inmates  of  which  would  begin  burning 
Greek  Fire  and  sending  up  Balloons  every 
time  a  Live  One  Slammed  the  Front  Gate. 

Lila  had  the  Bacillus  Theatricus  gnawing 
in  every  part  of  her  System. 

She  could  see  the  magnificent  Play  House 
crowded  from  Pit  to  Dome,  just  as  the 
Producing  Manager  sees  it  every  August 
when  the  Pipe  is  drawing  freely. 

She  could  hear  the  Leading  Man  in  the 
Dress  Suit  say,  as  he  pointed  up  the  Marble 
Stairway,  "Ah,  here  comes  the  Countess 
Zika  now."  And  then  She  would  enter 
trippingly,  wearing  $900  worth  of  spangled 
Raiment,  whereupon  the  Vast  Audience 
would  stand  up  and  Cheer. 

Whilst  enjoying  this  Trance  she  wore  a 
[69] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Yellow  Kimono  and  had  her  Meals  sent  to 
the  Room. 

Father  saw  that  he  was  Hooked,  so  he 
loaded  her  into  a  Parlor  Car  and  took  her 
up  to  a  School  of  Dramatic  Art  to  have  her 
searched  for  Talent. 

The  Head  Crimp  of  this  refined  Shake- 
Down  watched  her  do  the  Scene  in  which 
Ophelia  goes  Dotty  and  picks  the  imaginary 
Dandelions,  and  when  it  was  all  over  and 
Shakespeare  had  been  reduced  to  a  Pulp, 
he  slapped  old  Ready  Money  on  the  Back 
and  told  him  his  Daughter  was  a  Phenom. 

She  had  the  Dramatic  Instinct  and  the 
Fire  of  Genius  and  that  indefinable  Some 
thing  which  enables  Eva  Tanguay  to  earn 
more  than  the  President  of  the  United 
States. 

With  a  couple  of  hundred  Lessons  in 
Correct  Breathing,  and  the  Vocal  Chords 
loosened  up  with  a  Glove-Stretcher,  and  a 
[70] 


THE  DIVINE  SPARK 

row  of  Scallops  put  on  the  Technique, 
Mary  Anderson  would  be  right  back  in  our 
midst. 

So  Lila  got  ready  to  fill  the  Vacancy 
caused  by  the  Retirement  of  Ellen  Terry, 
while  Papa  went  back  to  the  little  Office 
in  one  corner  of  the  Ware-House  and  began 
to  sign  Checks. 

It  took  many  an  Egg  to  have  Lila  prop 
erly  Conservatoried. 

At  last  she  came  home  With  a  Diploma 
showing  that  she  was  an  Actress. 

After  that,  she  merely  needed  a  Play  and 
a  Company  and  a  lot  of  Scenery  and  a 
Manager  and  a  Theater  and  the  soft  old 
Public  buying  of  the  Scalpers,  in  order  to 
realize  her  modest  Ambition  to  become  a 
Real  Star. 

She  took  her  Diploma  and  the  Local 
Press  Notices  up  to  New  York  to  see  what 
she  could  get  on  them,  and  found  10,000 
[71] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

other  incipient  Modjeskas  hitting  the  worn 
Trail  that  led  from  one  Agency  to  another. 

Artistic  Temperaments  were  more  Abun 
dant  than  Lamp  Posts,  and  getting  an 
Audience  with  a  Big  Gun  was  just  as 
easy  as  Opening  a  Time-Lock  with  a  Hat 
Pin. 

She  had  an  offer  at  the  Hippodrome  to 
walk  in  front  of  an  Elephant  waving  a  prop 
Palm,  but  she  spurned  it,  because  she  was 
ready  to  do  Desdemona  at  a  Moment's 
Notice. 

As  for  the  Laudatory  Article  written  by 
a  would-be  Willie  Winter  of  the  wild  and 
wooly  West,  she  couldn't  find  any  one  in  the 
neighborhood  of  42nd  Street  who  had  even 
heard  of  the  Tank  Town  in  which  her  Folks 
were  so  Prominent. 

In  order  to  get  Experience,  she  signed  up 
with  a  No.  4  Company,  playing  the  Part  of 
the  deaf-and-dumb  lady  who  crosses  the 


THE  DIVINE  SPARK 

Stage  and  removes  the  Tea  Things  early  in 
the  Second  Act. 

When  the  Troupe  went  on  the  Rocks  at 
Mauch  Chunk,  Penna.,  the  erstwhile  Favor 
ite  of  the  Pocahontas  Club  found  herself 
seated  on  a  Trunk  marked  "Theater" 
standing  off  a  Deputy  Sheriff  and  waiting 
for  an  Answer  to  her  Wire. 

The  First  Old  Woman,  who  remembered 
Edwin  Booth,  came  and  sat  beside  her. 

"Do  not  be  discouraged,  Honey,"  said 
She.  "Go  right  back  and  start  all  over,  and 
possibly  sometime  Next  Year  you  will  again 
have  the  blessed  Privilege  of  going  up  a 
neglected  Alley  twice  a  Day  and  changing 
your  Clothes  in  a  Barn.  Any  Girl  with 
your  Looks  and  Family  Connections  can 
curl  up  in  a  Four-Poster  at  night  and  then 
saunter  to  the  Bath  over  a  soft  Rug  in  the 
Morning,  but  only  a  throbbing  Genius 
can  make  these  Night  Jumps  in  a  Day 
[73] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Coach  and  stop  at  a  Hotel  which  is  oper 
ated  as  an  Auxiliary  to  a  first-class  Saloon. 
It  will  be  Hard  Sledding  for  the  first  15  or 
20  Years  but,  by  the  time  you  are  45,  you 
may  reasonably  count  on  getting  20  Weeks 
out  of  every  52,  running  around  in  front  of 
a  Kinetoscope." 

Lila  pulled  into  the  Scene  of  her  Early 
Triumphs  with  a  mere  suggestion  of  No. 
2  Grease  Paint  still  lingering  behind  the 
Ears. 

As  the  Train  rolled  through  the  Yards, 
the  Foreman  of  the  Section  Gang  narrowly 
escaped  being  hit  in  the  Head  with  a  tin 
Make-Up  Box  hurled  from  the  rear  of  the 
Observation  Car. 

Next  day  she  had  a  strip  of  Red  Carpet 
spread  for  the  Haberdasher  and  was  learn 
ing  to  Cook  in  Paper  Bags. 

Whenever  she  hears  of  a  Good  Show  com 
ing  to  Town  she  invites  all  of  her  Friends 
F741 


THE  DIVINE  SPARK 

to  come  out  to  the  Bungalow  and  Play 
Rhum  on  the  Mission  Furniture. 

MORAL:    The    True    Friend    of    Hu 
manity  is  one  who  goes  to  the  Home  Talent 
Benefit    for    Something    and    Hisses    all 
Evening. 


TWO  PHILANTHROPIC  SONS 

1  WO  Boys  sallied  forth  from  a  straggling 
Village  in  search  of  an  irrational  Female 
known  as  Dame  Fortune. 

It  was  a  sad  Jolt  to  the  Walking  Vege 
tables  back  in  the  Stockade  when  they 
heard,  on  Good  Authority,  that  Ezra  and 
Bill  were  slamming  it  over  the  Plate  and 
batting  above  .400. 

They  simply  wagged  the  ossified  Domes 
and  hoped  the  Boys  were  getting  it  Hon 
estly. 

Ezra  and  Bill,  up  among  the  inflam 
matory  Posters  and  the  nervous  Electric 
Signs,  kept  on  playing  Tag  with  the  Sher 
man  Act  until  they  had  it  in  Oodles  and 
Bundles  and  Bales  and  Stacks, 
f  76  1 


TWO  PHILANTHROPIC  SONS 

Finally  when  they  became  so  prosperous 
that  they  had  to  wear  Shoes  specially  made, 
with  Holes  in  the  top,  they  began  to  be 
troubled  with  Tender  Recollections  of 
Humble  Birthplace. 

Through  the  Haze  of  Intervening  Years 
they  saw  the  Game  of  Two-Old-Cat  in 
the  Vacant  Lot  back  of  the  M.  E.  Church 
and  forgot  all  about  sleeping  in  the  refriger 
ated  Attic  and  going  down  in  the  morning 
to  thaw  out  the  Wooden  Pump. 

They  yearned  to  elbow  out  from  the 
Congested  Traffic  of  the  cold  and  heartless 
City  and  renew  Sweet  Associations. 

They  wanted  to  wander  once  more  down 
the  Avenues  of  Rhubarb  and  clasp  hands 
with  Old  Friends  whose  simple  Hearts 
averaged  about  14  Throbs  to  the  Minute. 

It  is  the  regulation  Dream  of  every 
Financial  Yeggman  to  go  back  to  his  Old 
Town  wearing  a  Laurel  Wreath  and  have 
[77] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

the  School  Children  throw  Moss  Roses  in 
his  Pathway. 

So  Ezra  sent  on  a  Proposition. 

He  wanted  to  build  a  Library  at  the 
corner  of  Fifth  and  Main,  thereby  making 
it  easy  for  his  old  Neighbors  to  read  the 
Six  Best  Sellers  without  plugging  the 
Author's  Game. 

He  offered  to  give  20,000  Bucks  if  the 
Citizens  would  raise  5,000  more  and  main 
tain  the  Thing. 

Ezra  had  not  been  in  the  Habit  of  reading 
anything  except  the  Tape  and  he  cared 
about  as  much  for  George  Bernard  Shaw 
as  George  Bernard  Shaw  cared  for  him. 

Nevertheless,  he  wanted  to  be  remem 
bered,  50  Years  hence,  as  the  Man  who  built 
the  Library  and  not  as  the  Guy  who  dealt 
from  the  Bottom  of  the  Deck,  utilizing 
the  Sleeve  Device  and  the  Bosom  Hold- 
Out. 

[781 


TWO  PHILANTHROPIC  SONS 

By  the  use  of  Anaesthetics  and  Forceps 
the  5,000  was  secured. 

Then  the  Building  was  erected  and  the 
only  Criticism  made  was  that  the  Location 
was  poor  and  the  dod-blasted  Concern 
looked  like  a  Barn  and  it  was  arranged 
wrong  inside  and  nobody  didn't  want  no 
Library  nohow. 

When  Ezra  came  down  to  the  Dedica 
tion  to  face  an  outraged  and  tax-burdened 
People,  he  was  just  as  popular  as  Tonsilitis 
or  Sciatica  ever  dared  to  be. 

Bill  came  back  also. 

He  floated  into  Town  one  day  and  ap 
peared  in  Jimison's  General  Store  and 
called  for  a  Good  Cigar. 

He  told  Mr.  Jimison  to  take  one  and 
called  up  the  Boys  around  the  Stove. 

When  the  Word  got  out  that  Bill  was 
Buying  over  at  the  Bee  Hive,  representative 
Citizens  came  on  the  Jump  from  the  Har- 
[79] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

ness  Shop  and  the  Undertaking  Parlors 
and  the  Elite  Bowling  Alley. 

Every  Man  that  showed  up  got  a  Lottie 
Lee  with  a  Band  around  it,  and  when  Bill 
left  on  the  3 :40  a  Mob  followed  him  to  the 
Train. 

Ever  after  that  the  Word  was  freely 
passed  around  that  Bill  was  a  Prince. 

MORAL:  In  scattering  Seeds  of  Kind 
ness,  do  it  by  Hand  and  not  by  Machinery. 


[80] 


THE  JUVENILE  AND  MANKIND 

ONCE  there  was  a  Kid  who  wore  a  Uni 
form  that  fit  him  too  Soon  and  a  Cap  on  one 
Ear.  His  Job  was  to  answer  the  Buzzer 
and  take  Orders  from  any  one  who  could 
show  25  Cents. 

In  the  Morning  he  might  be  acting  as 
Pack-Pony  for  some  Old  Lady  on  a  Shop 
ping  Spree  and  in  the  Afternoon  he  would 
be  delivering  a  Ton  of  Coal. 

He  had  been  waved  aside  by  Butlers  and 
ordered  about  by  Blond  Stenographers  and 
joshed  by  Traveling  Salesmen  until  his 
Child-Nature  was  hard  and  flinty. 

In  answering  the  Call  of  Duty  he  had  gone 
to  the  Dressing  Room  and  taken  a  private 
Flash  at  the  Magazine  Beauty  before  she 

[81] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

began  to  attach  the  Hair  or  spread  the 
Enamel. 

He  had  been  in  the  private  Lair  of  the 
Sure-Thingers  when  they  were  cooking 
up  some  new  Method  of  collecting  much 
Income  without  moving  out  of  their 
Chairs. 

He  had  been  by  while  Husbands,  with 
the  Scotch  standing  high  in  the  Gauge, 
collaborated  on  the  Lie  which  was  to  pacify 
little  Katisha,  waiting  in  the  Flat. 

Before  delivering  this  Masterpiece  of  Fic 
tion  hejwould  have  to  do  a  little  Sherlock- 
ing  and  finally  locate  Katisha  in  one 
of  those  Places  where  they  serve  it  in  Tea- 
Cups. 

In  the  Homes  of  the  Rich  and  Great 

where  he  delivered  Orchids  and  Invitations 

and  perfumed  Regrets  he  would  overhear 

Candid  Expressions  which  indicated  that 

[8*1 


"  They  fell  to  talking  of  the  Future  " 


THE  JUVENILE  AND  MANKIND 

every  Social  Leader  was  trying  to  slip 
Knock-Out  Drops  into  somebody  else's 
Claret  Cup. 

Around  the  Haunts  of  Business  he  would 
stand  on  one  Foot  while  the  Boss  carefully 
worded  the  Message  which  was  to  read  like 
a  Contract  while  leaving  a  Loop-Hole  about 
the  size  of  the  Hudson  Tunnel. 

One  night  the  Kid  was  returning  home 
ward  with  a  Comrade  in  Misery.  As  the 
Trolley  carried  them  toward  that  portion 
of  the  City  where  Children  are  still  in 
Vogue,  they  fell  to  talking  of  the  Future 
and  what  it  might  have  in  Store  for  a 
Bright  Boy  who  could  keep  on  the  Trot  all 
day  and  sustain  himself  by  eating  Cocoa- 
Nut  Pie. 

The  Comrade  hoped  to  be  a  Vaudeville 
Actor,  but  the  Kid  said,  after  some  Medi 
tation:  "During  the  past  Two  Years  I 
have  mingled  in  all  Grades  of  Society  and  I 
[85] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

have  decided  to  round  out  my  Career  by 
being  a  Deep-Sea  Diver." 

MORAL:  A  little  Learning  is  a  dan 
gerous  thing  and  a  good  deal  of  it  is  Suf 
focating. 


86 


THE  HONEYMOON  THAT  TRIED 
TO  COME  BACK 

ONCE  there  was  an  undivorced  Couple 
that  would  get  up  every  G.  M.  and  put  on 
the  five-ounce  Mitts  and  wait  for  the  Sound 
of  the  Gong. 

Each  was  working  for  the  Champion 
ship  of  the  Flat  and  proved  to  be  a  Glutton 
for  Punishment. 

Every  time  he  landed  a  crushing  Hay- 
Maker  on  her  Family  History  she  countered 
with  a  short-arm  Jolt  on  his  Personal  Ap 
pearance. 

Both  would  retire  to  the  Corners  breath 
ing  heavily,  but  still  full  of  Combat. 

He  loved  to  start  out  the  Day  by  finding 
in  the  Paper  what  a  Professor  connected 
[87] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

with  the  University  of  Chicago  had  said 
about  the  American  Woman  being  a  vain 
and  shallow  Parasite  with  a  Cerebrum 
about  the  size  of  an  English  Walnut. 

She  would  retaliate  by  reading  aloud  a 
Special  in  regard  to  a  Husband  going  after 
Wife  with  Axe,  while  under  the  Influence 
of  Liquor. 

After  which,  for  15  or  20  minutes,  the 
Dining  Room  would  be  just  as  peaceful 
and  quiet  as  a  Camorra  Trial. 

Sometimes  he  would  get  First  Blood, 
but  just  as  often  she  would  fiddle  around 
for  an  Opening  and  then  Zowie!  — right 
on  the  Conk  and  him  Stalling  to  escape 
further  Punishment. 

WTien  Nightfall  came  they  would  still  be 
edging  around  the  Ring,  whanging  away, 
for  each  was  too  Game  to  be  a  Quitter. 

Their  Married  Life,  which  started  out 
with  American  Beauty  Roses  in  every  Vase 
[881 


"  Each  was  working  for  the  Championship  of  the  Flat " 


THE  HONEYMOON 

and  a  long  Piece  in  the  Paper,  now  settled 
down  to  a  Thirty  Years'  War. 

The  only  time  the  Dove  of  Peace  really 
Lit  was  when  they  had  Company. 

Then  they  would  Dear  each  other  until 
the  Premises  became  Sticky  and  she  would 
even  coax  up  a  Ripple  of  Fake  Laughter 
when  he  pulled  some  Wheeze  that  used  to 
go  Great  the  Year  they  were  engaged.  But 
the  Moment  the  last  Guest  closed  the 
Front  Door,  the  Dove  of  Peace  would  beat 
it  and  another  domestic  Gettysburg  would 
drive  the  Servants  to  Cover. 

After  this  had  been  going  on  for  several 
Seasons  he  happened  to  get  hold  of  a  Power 
ful  Work,  written  by  a  Popular  Novelist 
(Unmarried),  who  made  a  psychological 
Dissection  of  a  Woman's  Soul  and  then 
preached  a  Funeral  Sermon  over  the  Dead 
Love  that  once  blossomed  in  the  Heart  of 
the  Heroine. 

[91] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

After  he  read  this  Tragedy  of  flickered 
Romance,  he  felt  like  a  Pup. 

He  perceived  that  he  had  been  in  the 
Wrong. 

The  Novelist  taught  him  that  his  Cue 
was  to  bear  with  the  Weaker  Vessel  and  to 
keep  the  Honeysuckle  of  True  Affection 
pruned  and  watered  by  Devotion  and 
Sacrifice. 

Therefore,  he  made  one  large  Vow  to  cut 
out  the  Rough  Stuff. 

Next  Morning  when  the  Queen  of  the 
Amazons  put  on  her  Paint  and  Feathers 
and  began  to  beat  the  big  War  Drum  there 
was  Nothing  Doing. 

He  refused  to  enter  the  blood-stained 
Arena,  and  when  she  came  after  him  he  fell 
over  and  took  the  Count  before  a  Punch 
had  been  delivered. 

Before  starting  for  the  Office  he  Kissed 
her  a  couple  of  times  and  gave  her  some 
[92] 


THE  HONEYMOON 

Massage  Treatment  around  the  Shoulder 
Blades  and  called  her  "  Toots"  —  a  Term 
of  Endearment  which  had  been  rusting  on 
the  Shelf  ever  since  they  used  it  at  Niagara 
Falls. 

She  was  so  dazed  by  this  Reversal  of 
Form  that  she  peeked  from  the  Front 
Window  and  watched  him  clear  to  the  Cor 
ner,  convinced  that  he  was  on  his  way  to 
meet  Another  Woman. 

He  came  home  that  Evening  with  a  Jar 
of  Candied  Nuts,  and  when  Mrs.  Simon 
Legree  demanded  the  Name  of  the  Hussy 
he  simply  pulled  a  Yearning  Smile  and  in 
vited  her  to  go  ahead  and  use  him  as  a 
Punching-Bag. 

Next  day  she  put  a  Newspaper  around 
the  Bird  Cage  and  tied  up  the  Geranium 
and  took  th£  unfinished  Tatting  and 
Blew. 

When  she  walked  in  on  her  Own  People, 
[93] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

with  the  Declaration  that  all  Bets  were  off, 
they  wanted  to  know  how  about  it,  and 
she  said  a  Spirited  Woman  couldn't  keep 
on  rooming  with  a  Guinea-Pig. 

MORAL:    Contempt  breeds  Familiarity. 


[94] 


THE  LOCAL  PIERPONT 

ONE  Day  a  regularly  appointed  Bank 
Inspector  went  into  a  Stronghold  of  Finance 
situated  in  a  One-Night  Stand  and  found  the 
President  of  the  Institution  crying  all  over 
the  Blotter. 

"Why  these  tears?"  asked  the  Official. 
"Are  the  Farmers  paying  off  their  Mort 
gages?" 

"Worse  than  that,"  replied  the  Elderly 
Man,  whose  Side  Whiskers  were  a  Tower 
of  Strength  in  the  Community.  "We  are 
entering  upon  an  Era  of  Extravagance. 
The  Tillers  of  the  Soil  are  no  longer  Hew 
ing  Wood  and  Drawing  Water.  They  are 
now  hewing  Holes  in  the  Atmosphere  and 
drawing  Gasoline.  Not  many  Years  ago 
[95] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

UL*  Simple  Agriculturist  drove  into  Town 
in  a  South  Bend  Wagon  with  Red  Roses 
painted  on  the  Dash-Board  and  stopped 
at  the  Bank  long  enough  to  tie  a  Chattel 
Mortgage  on  his  Cow,  with  Interest  at  2 
Per  Cent,  a  Month,  payable  in  Advance. 
Nowadays  he  comes  zipping  up  in  a  This 
Year's  Model  of  the  Kokomobile  with 
Torpedo  Body,  Fore-Doors  and  Red  Cush 
ions  and  draws  out  his  Balance  so  that  he 
can  get  Extra  Tires  and  a  Speedometer. 
Every  Hired  Hand  has  become  a  Chauffeur, 
and  the  Jay  that  used  to  wear  Gosh-ding- 
its  and  drive  an  $80  Pelter  now  wears  Gog 
gles  and  drives  a  Roadster  with  four  Lamps 
hung  out  in  front  of  it." 

"Why  are  you  annoyed  by  these  Evi 
dences  of  Prosperity?"  asked  the  Official. 
"The  humble  Farmer  has  been  the  Goat 
for  2,000  Years.  Now  he  is  catching  Even 
by  burning  up  the  Turnpike,  while  the  City 
[96] 


THE  LOCAL  PIERPONT 

People  who  feel  sorry  for  him  are  sleeping 
on  the  Fire  Escapes  and  saving  up  to  see 
the  Movies." 

"You  do  not  grasp  the  full  Horror  of  the 
Situation,"  said  the  President  of  the  Bank. 
"If  all  the  Reubs  withdraw  their  Deposits 
in  order  to  buy  these  expensive  $1,200  Cars, 
our  Reserve  will  be  so  depleted  and  Nor 
mal  Conditions  so  badly  disturbed  that 
possibly  I  will  have  to  Cancel  my  Order  for 
that  $7,000  French  Limousine  which  I 
picked  out  at  the  New  York  Show." 

Whereupon  he  resumed  his  Weeping. 

MORAL:     It  is  Time  to  call  a  Halt. 


97 


THE  LIFE  OF  THE  PARTY 

ONE  Night  a  Complimentary  Dinner  was 
given  to  a  Captain  of  Industry  by  some 
Friends  looking  for  Orders. 

The  Chairman  of  the  Arrangements  Com 
mittee  was  a  popular  Wine-Pusher,  con 
sequently  the  volunteer  Search  Parties  were 
out  for  Three  Days  after,  gathering  up  the 
Dead. 

Along  about  10:30,  when  every  Perfect 
Gentleman  was  neatly  Stewed,  a  Man  con 
nected  with  the  Jobbing  Trade  got  up  to  say 
a  Few  Words. 

He  was  keyed  to  Concert  Pitch  and  the 
Audience  was  Piped  and  all  the  old  sure 
fire  Bokum  of  a  Sentimental  Nature  simply 
Killed  them  in  their  Seats. 
[98] 


THE  LIFE  OF  THE  PARTY 

When  he  Concluded,  the  hilarious  Bun 
Brothers,  with  the  mussed-up  Hair  and  the 
twisted  Shirt  Bosoms,  arose  to  their  Feet 
and  waved  Napkins  and  gave  the  Orator 
what  he  described  to  his  wife  at  2  A.  M. 
as  A  Novation. 

Another  Good  Man  was  spoiled. 

After  Herman  made  this  goshawful  Hit 
with  the  Souses  he  became  convinced  that 
he  was  an  After-Dinner  Wit. 

Gus  Thomas  and  Simeon  Ford  had  noth 
ing  on  him. 

Whenever  he  found  himself  seated  at  a 
Table  with  other  People  and  Food  being 
served,  he  began  to  suck  Lozenges  and 
classify  his  Anecdotes  and  try  to  appear 
Unconcerned. 

All  the  time  he  was  simply  waiting  for 
the  Main  Fluff  to  come  up  from  behind  the 
Chrysanthemums  and  say,  "We  have  with 
us  this  evening." 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

He  knew  that  he  was  a  Dinger,  because 
he  remembered  how  the  Magnificent  As 
semblage  stood  and  cheered  him  for  five 
minutes. 

Therefore  his  Voice  sounded  to  him  a 
good  deal  like  the  Boston  Symphony 
Orchestra  playing  Rubinstein's  Melody  in 
F. 

Whenever  People  sat  down  in  front  of 
the  decorative  Canape  Caviar  and  got  ready 
to  endure  the  Horrors  of  another  Hotel 
Gorge,  they  would  glance  across  the  Snowy 
Expanse  of  White,  dotted  with  plump 
California  Olives  and  cold,  unfeeling  Celery, 
and  seeing  Herman  seated  opposite,  would 
remark,  ' '  Stung ! ' ' 

He  could  not  have  been  kept  in  his  Chair 
with  a  Ton  of  Coal  in  each  Tail-Pocket. 

And  if  The  Ladies  were  present,  that  was 
when   he   worked   in   the   Bird-Calls   and 
ordered  out  the  Twinkling  Stars. 
[100] 


"Stung" 


THE  LIFE  OF  THE  PARTY 

According  to  the  Expectation  Tables 
of  the  Insurance  Actuaries,  probably  he 
will  Stick  Around  for  32  years  more  and 
never  find  out  that  he  is  a  Pest. 

MORAL:  Those  who  bemoan  the  De 
cline  of  Oratory  should  remember  that 
Oratory  never  was  known  to  Decline. 


[103 


THE  GALUMPTIOUS  GIRL 

ONCE  there  was  a  kittenish  Senorita 
condemned  to  dwell  in  a  Piccolo  Town  out 
on  a  Spur  Division  of  the  Dinkusville  Short 
Line. 

It  was  one  of  those  not-dead-but-sleeping 
Settlements  with  a  Sheet-Iron  Cornice  on 
every  Store  Building  and  the  Hack  in 
which  Gen.  Sherman  once  rode  still  meeting 
the  Trains. 

All  the  older  Residents  were  sitting  back 
on  their  Surplus  trying  to  hatch  out  7  per 
cent.  Any  one  suggesting  a  Public  Im 
provement  was  led  into  Court  House 
Square  and  publicly  Beheaded. 

A  Girl  with  real  Jamaica  Ginger  coursing 
through  her  Arteries  did  not  have  a  Look- 
fl04l 


THE  GALUMPTIOUS  GIRL 

In  so  long  as  she  was  hung  up  at  this  Whist 
ling  Post,  where  every  Meeting  of  the 
Research  Club  was  a  Poultry  Exhibit  and  the 
local  Astor  played  a  Brown  Derby  in  con 
junction  with  the  extreme  Soup  and  Fish. 

So  the  Senorita,  by  name  Madeleine, 
used  to  burst  into  Tears  every  time  she 
saw  a  Train  pulling  away  from  the  Depot, 
for  she  certainly  had  laid  the  Soubrette's 
Curse  on  Home,  Sweet  Home. 

She  had  read  those  large  explosive  ar 
ticles  in  the  Family  Department  of  the 
Sunday  Paper  telling  how  the  Smart  Set 
hang  by  their  Toes  from  Chandeliers  and 
jump  into  Public  Fountains,  and  she 
panted  for  the  wild  free  Life  of  the  Idle  Rich. 

Now  it  happened  that  Madeleine  had  a 
married  Female  Cousin  living  at  the  corner 
of  Easy  Street  and  Epicurean  Avenue  up 
in  the  Big  Town  where  People  hated  the 
sight  of  a  Brass  Bedstead. 
[105] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Cousin  invited  Madeleine  to  come  and 
see  her,  out  of  mere  Politeness,  for  she  had 
the  Country  Lass  sized  up  as  a  Myrtle  Kill 
joy,  whose  Limit  probably  would  be  a  Bur 
ton  Holmes  Lecture  or  a  rollicking  After 
noon  at  the  Tea  Shop. 

Madeleine  saw  that  she  was  down  in 
Class  B  and  -would  have  to  make  an  im 
mediate  Demonstration  of  Form  to  avoid 
being  permanently  Benched  or  sent  back  to 
the  Bush  League. 

Consequently,  as  soon  as  she  found  her 
self  in  the  Main  Drawing  Room  among 
the  Ruperts  and  Rosalinds,  she  began 
to  break  Furniture  and  do  Head-Spins 
on  the  Bokharas.  Thereupon  she  was 
elected  a  full  Sister  of  the  gladsome 
Bunch  known  as  the  Young  Married 
Set. 

She  sent  Home  for  all  of  her  Things  and 
more  Coin  and  applied  for  an  advanced 
[1061 


THE  GALUMPTIOUS  GIRL 

Degree  in  the  Grand  Lodge  of  the  Knights 
and  Ladies  of  Insomnia. 

In  one  month  she  had  entirely  remodeled 
her  Figure  and  landscaped  her  Hair  into  a 
new  Design  and  carefully  picked  each 
broad  Western  "R"  out  of  her  Vocabulary, 
and  she  could  walk  right  up  to  a  French 
Bill  of  Fare  without  the  quiver  of  an  Eye- 
Lash.  Also  she  could  hand  out  that  Dear 
Boy  line  of  Polite  Guff  to  all  of  those  rugged 
and  self-made  Bucks  who  get  back  to  Earth 
every  Day  at  5  P.  M.  and  begin  calling 
feebly  for  Barbers  and  Masseurs  and  Mani 
cures  and  Nerve  Specialists  and  Barkeeps. 

She  learned  that  Rough  House  lost  all 
Social  Stigma  if  pulled  off  at  2  A.  M.  in  a 
Private  Resort  with  a  Striped  Awning  in 
front  and  a  Carpet  leading  down  to  the 
Landing  Stage. 

Her  Folks  kept  writing  her  to  come  back 
Home  because  the  Ladies  of  the  Guild  were 
[107  1 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

about  to  have  a  Bazaar,  but  she  Stalled  as 
long  as  she  could,  and  when  she  finally 
packed  up  the  Wardrobe  Trunks  and  the 
eight  kinds  of  Massage  Cream,  she  ex 
tracted  a  promise  from  Cousin  and  several 
other  Desperate  Characters  that  they 
would  come  out  into  the  Wilderness  and 
give  the  Rummies  a  Touch  of  High  Life. 

It  was  the  first  time  that  Madeleine 
had  spread  her  Wings  and  hit  the  rarefied 
Strata.  For  a  Beginner  she  was  there  with 
the  Spread.  She  made  the  American  Eagle 
look  like  an  English  Sparrow. 

As  soon  as  she  arrived  back  in  Sleepy  Hol 
low  she  began  to  turn  the  Old  Family 
Residence  upside  down  and  get  it  stocked 
up,  just  like  a  Club,  for  the  Hot  Babies 
from  the  Metropolis. 

The  Real  Things  arrived  on  a  Special 
Car  with  their  Hats  down  over  their  Ears 
and  were  more  or  less  obscured  by  Dogs 
[108] 


THE  GALUMPTIOUS  GIRL 

and  English  Help  and  Cigarette  Smoke. 
As  they  rode  up  Main  street  there  was  a 
Pale  Face  at  every  Window.  Just  as  the 
Parade  passed  the  High  School,  the  tall 
Smoke-Stack  over  at  the  Hominy  Mills  fell 
with  a  Loud  Crash. 

That  Afternoon  there  was  a  smell  of 
Moth  Balls  in  many  a  Refined  Home,  for 
all  who  had  learned  to  take  Soup  from  the 
side  of  the  Spoon  were  under  Royal  Com 
mand  to  come  up  and  get  a  private  Peek 
at  the  imported  Gentry. 

It  was  to  be  a  Dinner  followed  by  a  Small 
Dance.  If  it  had  been  a  full-sized  Affair, 
no  doubt  Father  would  now  be  working  by 
the  Day. 

Instead  of  the  customary  3  Carnations 
and  1  Maiden-Hair  Fern  gracing  the  center 
of  the  Board,  the  terrified  Guests  saw  a 
Wagon-Load  of  tropical  Bloom  which 
pleased  them  very  much  as  soon  as  each 
[109] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

had  secreted  a  new  kind  of  Cocktail,  served 
in  a  Goblet,  with  a  Stick  of  Dynamite  sub 
stituted  for  the  Olive. 

The  Orchestra  did  a  lot  of  those  "Oh! 
Oh!"  Rags,  while  strange  Foods  kept 
descending  to  the  Table  and  a  Special 
Corps  of  Waiters  tried  to  give  an  Imitation 
of  the  Johnstown  Flood. 

Conversation  became  epidemic  and  many 
Local  Characters  who  had  remained  in 
Obscurity  for  Years  came  out  of  their  Pods 
and  began  to  hop  about  and  sing  in  the 
Sunlight. 

Members  of  the  Married  Woman's  Safety 
League  were  hanging  out  Signs  of  Distress 
and  trying  to  give  Warning  Signals,  but 
Madeleine  would  not  permit  them  to  crab 
her  Little  Party.  She  wanted  to  show  the 
Boobs  just  how  these  Recherche  Functions 
are  stage-managed  in  Upper  Circles. 

Accordingly  they  all  felt  their  Way  to 
[110] 


THE  GALUMPTIOUS  GIRL 

the  Front  Room,  where  they  Found  await 
ing  them  a  Bowl  of  Artillery  Punch  about 
the  size  of  Lake  Erie,  and  no  more  Harm  in 
a  full  Bumper  than  there  is  in  a  Rattle- 
Snake. 

Madeleine  headed  off  a  Two-Step  and 
told  Friends  and  Neighbors  to  sit  back  close 
to  the  Wall  with  a  Piece  of  Ice  in  each  Hand 
and  get  Wise  to  the  latest  Stuff. 

Then  She  and  her  Friends  pinned  up  their 
Garments  and  put  Resin  on  their  Hands 
and  cut  loose.  They  did  the  Grizzly  Bear 
and  the  Mountain  Goat  and  the  Turkey 
Trot  and  the  Bunny  Hug  and  the  Kangaroo 
Flop  and  the  Duck  Waddle  and  the  Giraffe 
Jump  and  the  Rhinoceros  Roll  and  the 
Walrus  Wiggle  and  the  Crocodile  Splash 
and  the  Apache  and  the  Comanche  and  the 
Bowery  Twist  and  the  Hula  Hula  Glide, 
etc.,  etc.,  etc. 

The    Fire    Department   began  carrying 
[mi 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

out  Bodies  at  12:30  A.  M.  Some  of  the 
Survivors  were  hurrying  Home  through  the 
Alleys,  wondering  if  they  could  fix  up 
Alibis.  At  Daybreak  many  Prominent 
Citizens  were  found  Miles  from  their 
Homes  wandering  aimlessly  in  Roadways 
and  shouting,  "Take  it  away!" 

Next  afternoon  the  Male  Parent  of 
Madeleine  crawled  out  from  under  the 
Wreckage  and  said  to  his  Only  Daughter: 
;'You  are  too  Progressive  for  us  Far 
mers.  Take  your  Trained  Troupe  of 
Society  Acrobats  and  get  out  of  Town. 
The  White  Caps  are  now  gathering  in  the 
Outskirts." 

Madeleine  simply  retorted  that  the 
Dances  were  being  done  in  the  most  Exclu 
sive  Homes. 

An  Exclusive  Home  is  one  from  which 
the  Police  are  Excluded. 

Of  course  she  never  dared  to  return  to 
[112] 


Madeleine  simply  retorted  that  the  Dances  were  being  done  in 
the  most  Exclusive  Homes'* 


THE  GALUMPTIOUS  GIRL 

her  Birthplace  after  this  Scandalous  Per 
formance. 

She  had  to  remain  in  the  Cruel  City  as 
the  free  and  unrestricted  Wife  of  a  Cotillion 
Leader  with  an  Income  of  $22.00  a  Minute. 

MORAL:  The  Pioneer  must  ever  brave 
Hardships. 


[115] 


EVERYBODY'S  FRIEND  AND 
THE  LINE  BUCKER 

IN  a  sequestered  Dump  lived  two  Ur 
chins,  Edgar  and  Rufus,  who  went  to  the 
Post  with  about  an  equal  Handicap. 

They  got  away  together  down  the  broad 
Avenue  of  Hope  which  leads  one  Lad  over 
the  hills  and  far  away  to  the  United  States 
Senate  Chamber  and  guides  another  uner 
ringly  to  the  Federal  Pen  near  Leaven  worth, 
Kansas. 

When  Edgar  was  a  Tootsey  he  received 
a  frequent  dusting  with  Extreme  Violet 
Talcum  Powder. 

About  the  same  time  Rufus  was  propped 
up  to  look  at  Pictures  of  Napoleon  and 
John  L.  Sullivan  and  Sitting  Bull. 
[116] 


EVERYBODY'S  FRIEND 

At  School  each  was  a  trifle  Dumb. 

If  Edgar  fell  down  on  an  Exam,  his  Rela 
tives  would  call  a  Mass  Meeting  to  express 
Regrets  and  hang  Crape  all  over  the  Place. 

If  Rufus  got  balled  up  in  his  Answers,  his 
immediate  Kin  would  pat  him  on  the  Back 
and  tell  him  he  was  right  and  the  Text- 
Book  was  wrong. 

Edgar  would  emerge  from  the  Feathers 
every  morning  to  find  his  Parents  all  lined 
up  to  wish  him  a  new  set  of  Police  Regula 
tions. 

They  held  up  the  Rigid  Forefinger  and 
warned  him  that  he  was  merely  a  Grain  of 
Dust  and  a  Weakling  and  a  poor  juvenile 
Mutt  whose  Mission  in  Life  was  to  Lie 
Down  and  Behave. 

Rufus  would  be  aroused  each  Sunrise  by 
a  full  Military  Band  of  60  Pieces  playing 
"Hail  to  the  Chief  who  in  Triumph  Ad 


vances." 


[117] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Whenever  Edgar  was  forced  into  a  Battle 
and  came  home  smeared  and  disarranged, 
his  Mother  would  go  to  her  Room  and  Cry 
softly  and  Father  would  paint  a  vivid 
Word-Picture  of  a  Wretch  standing  on 
the  Gallows  with  a  Black  Cap  over  his 
Head. 

Then  Edgar  would  crawl  to  the  Hay- 
Mow  and  brood  over  his  Moral  Infirmities 
and  try  in  a  groping  way  to  figure  out  his 
Relation  to  Things  in  General. 

But,  when  Rufus  appeared  all  dripping 
with  Gore,  his  Seconds  would  cool  him  out 
and  rub  him  with  Witch  Hazel  and  pin 
Medals  on  him. 

No  wonder  he  became  as  pugnacious  as 
U.  S.  Grant,  as  conceited  as  a  Successful 
Business  Man  and  as  self-assured  as  a 
Chautauqua  Lecturer. 

Every  one  disliked  him  intensely.  But  just 
the  same,  they  stepped  off  into  the  Mud 
[1181 


EVERYBODY'S  FRIEND 
% 

the  World  was  his  Oyster  and  that  he  had 

an  Opener  in  every  Pocket. 

He  began  grabbing  Public  Service  Utili 
ties  by  Strong-Arm  methods,  whereupon  a 
lot  of  Uplifters  became  excited  and  wanted 
some  one  else  to  head  him  off. 

He  put  things  Across  because  when  he 
tucked  the  Ball  under  his  Arm  and  began 
to  dig  for  the  Goal  of  his  Immediate  Am 
bition  all  the  Friends  of  Public  Weal  were 
scared  Blue  and  retired  behind  the  Ropes. 

Edgar  took  his  Degree  out  into  the  Cold 
World  and  began  to  make  apologetic  In 
quiries    regarding    Humble    Employment 
which  would  involve  no  Responsibilities. 

He  became  an  Office  Lawyer  of  the  dull 
gray  Variety  with  a  special  Aptitude  for  draw 
ing  up  Leases  and  examining  Abstracts. 

He  could  not  face  a  Jury  or  fight  a  Case 
because  the  fond  Parents  had  put  the  Sign 
on  him  and  robbed  him  of  all  his  Gimp. 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

But  a  Nice  Fellow? 

You  know  it. 

Any  one  who  had  a  Book  to  sell,  or  a 
Petition  to  be  signed,  or  a  Note  that  needed 
endorsing  came  dashing  right  into  Edgar's 
Office  and  hailed  him  as  the  Champion 
Patsy. 

Not  one  of  these  ever  ventured  into  the 
Lair  of  the  Street  Railway  Czar,  for  he 
knew  that  Rufus  might  jump  over  the 
Mahogany  Table  and  bite  him  in  the  Arm . 

Even  Edgar,  when  he  made  a  Business 
Call  on  Boyhood  Friend  and  loving  Class 
mate,  was  permitted  to  wait  in  the  Outer 
Room,  resting  his  Hat  on  his  knees,  and 
mingling  on  terms  of  Equality  with  the 
modish  Typist  and  the  scornful  Secretary. 

And  when  they  went  away  to  look  at 
some  Properties,  Rufus  took  the  State 
room  while  Edgar  drew  an  Upper. 

Every  one  at  the  Club  referred  to  Edgar 
[122] 


EVERYBODY'S  FRIEND 

as  a  Good  Old  Scout,  but  when  all  the  Push 
gathered  at  the  Round  Table  and  some  one 
let  fall  the  Name  of  the  High-Binder,  they 
would  open  up  on  Rufus  and  Pan  him  to  a 
Whisper. 

Then  Rufus  would  enter  in  his  Fur 
Coat,  upsetting  Furniture  and  Servants  as 
he  swept  through  the  Lounging  Room. 

Immediately  there  would  be  an  Epidemic 
of  Goose  Pimples  and  a  Rush  to  shake 
hands  with  him. 

Rufus  was  sinfully  Rich,  but  nevertheless 
Detestable,  because  his  Family  had  drilled 
into  him  the  low-down  Habit  of  getting  the 
Jump  on  the  Other  Fellow. 

Edgar  may  live  in  a  Rented  House,  but 
he  will  always  have  the  inward  Satisfaction 
of  knowing  that  he  is  a  sweet  and  courteous 
Gentleman  with  Pink  Underwear,  and  a 
Masonic  Charm  on  his  WTatch  Chain. 

When    Edgar    answers    the    Call,    the 
[123J 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Preacher  will  speak  briefly  from  the  Text, 
"Blessed  are  the  Meek." 

If  the  Death  Angel  succeeds  in  pulling 
down  Rufus,  the  same  Minister  will  find 
a  suggestion  for  his  Remarks  in  those  in 
spiring  Words,  "I  have  fought  the  Good 
Fight." 

MORAL:  The  Scrapper  is  seldom  be 
loved,  but  he  gets  a  Run  for  his  Ticket. 

L 


j 


124 


THE  THROUGH  TRAIN 

1  WO  High  School  Heliotropes  named  Lib 
and  Angie  were  very  Thick. 

Each  Girl  kept  a  Nightie  at  the  Other 
Girl's  House  and,  long  after  they  had  re 
tired,  the  Inmates  would  hear  smothered 
Giggles,  interspersed  with  Fragments  of 
what  He  said  to  Her  and  what  She  said  to 
Him. 

The  Period  of  their  Adolescence  was  about 
30  years  ago,  when  Romance  was  still  alive 
and  Knighthood  was  in  Flower  around  every 
Dancing  Academy  west  of  Pittsburgh. 

The  two  Chums  had  made  a  Pact.  They 
were  to  be  Friends  for  ever  and  ever  and 
ever  and  neither  was  to  hold  out  anything 
from  the  other. 

[1251 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Each  carried  in  a  Locket  a  Four-Leaf 
Clover  presented  by  One  to  whom  she  had 
bared  her  Soul. 

After  supplementing  the  Graded  Schools 
with  a  full  course  of  Mrs.  South  worth  and 
learning  to  play  "The  Battle  of  Prague  "  on 
the  Melodeon,  naught  remained  for  them  in 
the  way  of  passionate  Diversion  except  to  go 
ahead  and  get  Married. 

They  waited  three  years  for  the  Fairy 
Prince  of  their  Dreams  to  come  clattering 
down  Main  Street  in  his  Coach  all  White 
and  Gold,  and  then  began  to  mistrust  the 
Schedule.  So  they  effected  the  usual  Com 
promise,  falling  gracefully  into  the  awkward 
Embraces  of  two  cornfed  Lizards  named 
Otis  and  Wilbur. 

In  the  Shake-off  it  befell  that  Angie  got 

Wilbur  and  Lib  drew  Otis.     The  two  Brides 

were  somewhat  envied,  as  Wilbur  was  a 

Good-Looker  with  raven  Pompadour  and 

[126] 


THE  THROUGH  TRAIN 

large  snappy  Eyes,  while  Otis  was  supposed 
to  possess  the  Faculty  of  copping  the 
Mazume. 

However,  the  purpose  of  this  Fable  is  to 
indicate  that  each  Gal  found  out  too  late 
that  she  had  Dutched  her  Book  and  backed 
into  the  wrong  Paddock. 

Fate  separated  the  Young  Couples  and 
many  a  Full  Moon  deflated  itself  before  Lib 
and  Angie  had  another  chance  to  get  away 
by  themselves  and  fill  up  on  Oolong  and 
cautiously  exhibit  their  Wounds. 

Wilbur  was  a  Hustler  who  lacked  Ter 
minal  Facilities.  He  was  full  of  St.  Vitus 
Activity  and  was  always  transferring  a  lot 
of  Papers  from  one  Pocket  to  another  and 
getting  ready  to  interest  Capital  in  some 
Megatherian  Enterprise  paying  20  per 
cent,  per  Annum,  but  somehow  he  never 
Arrived. 

While  negotiating  for  a  Rubber  Plan- 
[127] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

tation  in  Yucatan  he  would  hear  about 
Two  Million  Acres  waiting  to  be  Irrigated 
in  Colorado,  but  before  he  could  turn  on 
the  Water  he  would  be  lured  away  by  the 
Prospect  of  developing  some  Monte  Cristo 
Proposition  up  in  the  Mesaba  Range. 

In  the  meantime  he  w^ore  Celluloid  Col 
lars  and  owed  for  every  round  Steak  that 
he  had  carried  home  during  the  preceding 
Five  Years. 

Otis,  on  the  Other  Hand,  played  nothing 
but  Cinches.  He  was  out  for  the  Pastry. 
It  was  not  his  Fault  if  the  Widows  and 
Orphans  who  invested  on  his  Tips  all  wound 
up  as  Department  Store  Employees. 

He  double-crossed  his  Partners  and  whip- 
sawed  his  Customers  and  bluffed  the  Courts 
and  bulled  his  way  into  the  Strongholds  of 
Finance. 

While  the  U.  S.  Grand  Jury  would  be 
in  Session,  trying  to  get  him  with  the  Goods, 
[128] 


THE  THROUGH  TRAIN 

he  would  be  motoring  in  Normandy  and 
tossing  Showers  of  Silver  to  the  Peasantry. 

Do  not  mistrust  the  Tale,  for  every  Buc 
caneer  from  Broad  Street,  N.  Y.,  to  the  St. 
Francis  Bar  at  the  Golden  Gate,  was  once 
a  Poor  Boy  with  Store  Clothes  on  his  Back 
and  Grand  Larceny  in  his  Heart. 

When  Angie  went  to  visit  Lib,  after  the 
Lapse  of  Many  Years,  you  can  Gamble  that 
they  had  Some  Talk  to  unload. 

Angie  carried  a  Wicker  Suit-Case  costing 
$1.98  and  her  General  Get-Up  was  that  of 
the  Honest  Creature  who  may  be  found  in 
any  Hotel  Corridor  at  2  A.  M.  massaging  the 
Mosaic  Floor  with  a  Hot  Cloth. 

"Get  me!"  said  Wilbur's  wife,  dropping 
wearily  to  a  Divan  in  the  Style  of  Louis 
Quatorze.  "Pipe  the  Lid!  It  is  a  1906 
Model  and  the  Aigrette  is  made  of  Broom 
Straw.  Take  a  Peek  at  the  shine  Tailor- 
Made  and  the  Paper  Shoes.  Ever  since 
[129] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

they  wished  that  False  Alarm  on  to  me  I 
have  been  giving  a  correct  Imitation  of 
Lizzie  the  Honest  Working  Girl.  Each 
Evening  he  comes  home  to  give  me  a 
Sweet  Kiss  and  promises  me  a  Trip  to 
Europe  and  a  Set  of  Gray  Squirrels,  and 
next  Mqrning,  when  I  get  up  to  remove  the 
Oatmeal  from  the  Fireless  Cooker,  I  find 
on  the  Back  Porch  a  large  Rough-neck  in  a 
Sweater  who  has  come  to  shut  off  the  Gas 
or  take  away  the  Parlor  Furniture.  Then 
I  think  of  You,  with  your  Closets  hanging 
full  of  fluffy  Frocks  and  your  Fingers 
crowded  with  Jewels  and  your  Man  rushing 
in  every  few  Minutes  to  slap  you  in  the 
Face  with  a  Hundred  Dollar  Bill.  You 
can  take  it  from  me,  Dearie,  I  would  jump 
the  whole  Game  were  it  not  for  the  Chil 
dren.  I  have  put  in  my  whole  Life  trying 
to  realize  something  on  a  Promissory  Note 
that  was  a  Bloomer  to  begin  with.  He  has 
[ISO] 


THE  THROUGH  TRAIN 

kidded  me  along  ever  since  the  World's 
Fair  at  Chicago,  feeding  me  on  Canned 
Stuff  and  showing  me  pictures  of  Electric 
Runabouts  and  Country  Places  on  Long 
Island.  In  the  Meantime  I  am  playing  in 
Great  Luck  if  I  can  get  a  Trolley  Car  to 
Stop  for  me." 

At  this  point  the  Wife  of  Otis  arose  and, 
pulling  the  rose-colored  Silk  Wrapper  more 
closely  about  her  made-to-order  Form, 
interrupted  with  an  Imperious  Gesture. 

"Back  up,  Angie ! "  she  exclaimed.  "  You 
should  be  a  Happy  Woman.  You  have 
your  Husband's  Love  and  you  have  your 
Children,  both  of  which  are  denied  a 
Woman  of  my  Assured  Position  in  the  Two 
Minute  Class  of  the  Terrible  Spenders. 
Talk  about  Hardships !  Do  you  know  what 
it  is  to  leaol  the  Grand  March,  surrounded 
by  800  Assegai-Throwers,  Harpooners  and 
Cannibal  Queens,  who  are  pointing  you 
[1311 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

out  as  the  Wife  of  the  Malefactor  who  is 
about  to  be  Tried  in  the  Federal  Courts? 
Did  you  ever  Stagger  around  all  Evening 
with  $100,000  worth  of  Tiffany  Merchandise 
fastened  on  to  you  —  expecting  every 
Minute  to  be  hit  in  the  Coiffure  by  some 
Raffles?  Did  you  ever,  during  a  Formal 
Dinner,  hear  the  Door  Bell  tinkle  and  find 
in  the  Hallway  a  Reporter  from  a  Morning 
Paper  who  wishes  to  ask  your  Husband  if 
he  denies  his  Guilt  or  can  give  any  Reason 
why  Sentence  of  Death  should  not  be 
passed  upon  him?  Are  you  Wise  to  the 
Fact  that  the  Wife  of  a  Successful  Business 
Man  now  occupies  a  Niche  in  the  Hall  of 
Fame  right  next  to  the  Sister  of  Jesse 
James?  You  are  in  Great  Luck.  No  one 
takes  a  Shot  at  a  Failure." 

Having  arrived  at  this  cordial  Under 
standing,   each  leaned   against  the  other 
and   had   a   Good   Cry,  after  which  they 
[132] 


THE  THROUGH  TRAIN 

chirked  up  and  paid  a  lot  of  Attention  to  a 
well-preserved  Bachelor  who  dropped  in 
to  get  warm  and  take  a  slight  Fall  out  of  the 
Side-Board. 

MORAL:  When  Wealth  walks  in  at 
the  Door,  the  Press  Agent  comes  in  through 
the  Window. 


[133] 


THE  LONG  AND  LONESOME 
RIDE 

ONE  pleasant  morning  the  President  of  the 
Society  for  Promoting  the  Importation  of 
Scotch  Merchandise  awoke  after  a  Balloon 
Voyage  which  began  6  Feet  below  Sea 
Level  in  a  Rathskeller  and  finished  2,000 
feet  above  the  Altitude  recorded  by  Lin 
coln  Beachey,  the  Man-Bird. 

When  he  Came  To  he  discovered  that 
the  Pillow  had  climbed  over  on  top  of  him 
and  was  trying  to  work  the  Half-Nelson, 
while  a  large  Pile-Driver  was  beating  a 
rhythmical  Tattoo  on  the  tender  Bean. 

He  had  a  Temperature  of  102  and  his 
Ears  were  hanging  down.  Also,  during 
the  Period  of  Coma  some  one  had  ex- 
[134] 


"  He  had  a  Temperature  of  102  and  his  Ears  were  hanging  down  " 


LONG  AND  LONESOME  RIDE 

traded  the  Eyes  and  substituted  two  hot 
Door-Knobs. 

After  he  had  decanted  a  miniature  Niag 
ara  on  to  the  smoking  Coppers  and  re 
moved  his  Collar,  he  felt  his  way  over  to 
the  Window  and  denounced  in  unmeasured 
Terms  an  English  Sparrow  that  had 
perched  on  the  Sill,  merely  to  annoy  him. 

In  a  little  while  he  remembered  that  he 
was  a  Resident  of  the  Planet  known  as 
Earth.  Soon  after  that  his  Name  came 
back  to  him  and  then  he  recalled  his  Boy 
hood  and  the  Fact  that  when  he  passed 
the  Parsonage  the  Presbyterian  Minister 
would  ask  him  to  pick  some  of  the  Lilacs 
and  Snowballs  and  take  them  home  to  his 
Sister  Alice. 

From  that  Point  he  groped  through  his 

Life  History  up  to  the  Twilight  on  which 

the  Regulars  had  arranged  a  Send-Off  for 

Old  Buck,  who  was  pulling  out  for  Seattle. 

[1371 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

In  order  that  Buck  should  remember  them 
as  True  Friends,  they  had  covertly  planned 
to  get  him  Saturated  to  the  Eye-Balls  and 
then  ship  him  on  to  his  new  Home,  spread 
out  in  Stateroom  B,  with  long-stemmed 
Roses  laid  across  the  Remains.  This  form 
of  homicidal  Gayety  is  perpetrated  under 
the  name  of  American  Hospitality. 

Our  Hero  remembered  the  polite  Get 
away  on  the  Low  Speed  with  everybody 
Respectable,  after  which  the  Fountains 
started  to  gush  and  Waiters  began  to  come 
up  out  of  the  Ground  bearing  Fairy  Gifts 
of  a  Liquid  Variety.  Somewhat  later  in 
the  Evening  he  found  himself  balanced  on 
one  Toe  on  a  swiftly-moving  Cloud,  an 
nouncing  to  the  Stars  of  Night  that  he  was 
a  True  Sport. 

In  other  words,  he  realized,  as  he  sat 
humped  over  in  the  Morris  Chair,  holding  on 
to  the  Head,  lest  it  should  fall  off  and  roll 
[138] 


LONG  AND  LONESOME  RIDE 

across  the  floor,  that  he  had  been  Snooted 
for  Fair,  Plastered,  Ossified,  Benzoated, 
Piped,  Pickled,  SpifHicated,  Corned,  Rad 
dled,  Obfuscated,  Soused  and  Ory-Eyed. 

Six  hours  before,  he  had  stood  on  a  Table 
and  declared  for  the  Brotherhood  of  Man, 
and  now  he  craved  but  one  Companion 
and  that  was  old  Colonel  R.  E.  Morse. 

Standing  over  in  the  Sunlight  by  the 
Window,  where  he  could  see  the  innocent 
Shop-Girls  going  blithely  to  their  $6  a 
week,  he  lifted  the  trembling  Right  Mitt 
clear  above  his  Head  and  then  and  there 
declared  himself  to  be  on  the  Cart  until  the 
great  Celestial  Bodies  should  skid  in  their 
Orbits  and  the  Globe  itself  dissolve  into 
Vapor. 

Just  as  he  pronounced  the  Words,  "nev- 

ER  A-gen,"  he  felt  a  great  Flood  of  worthy 

Resolutions    arising    in    his    new     Moral 

Nature.     He    would    buy    a    Winchester 

[1391 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Automatic  and  devote  the  remainder  of  his 
wasted  Life  to  shooting  up  Barkeeps.  And 
when  he  died,  the  whole  Estate  would  go 
to  the  W.  C.  T.  U. 

Just  after  he  had  double-strapped  him 
self  to  the  Wagon  and  started  up  Seltzer 
Avenue,  he  realized  that  an  immediate 
Absinthe  Frappe  would  be  worth  $15,000 
to  him,  but  instead  of  ordering  one,  he 
resolved  to  write  Doc  Wiley  a  Letter  ad 
vising  him  that  while  he  was  putting  his 
Nixey  Mark  on  that  Green  Magoo  he 
should  include  all  other  Colors  bestowed 
upon  the  Essence  of  Tribulation. 

That  afternoon  the  Survivors  of  the 
Midnight  Massacre  got  together  at  a  Club 
to  compare  Hang-Overs  and  find  out 
what  had  happened  after  the  Roof  fell 
in. 

Our  Hero  appeared  just  as  the  Boy  was 
getting  ready  to  throw  a  Life  Line.  He 
[140] 


LONG  AND  LONESOME  KEDE 

was  greeted  with  a  ribald  Shout  and  told 
to  come  running  and  Save  Himself. 

The  Moment  had  arrived  for  him  to  be 
a  Man.  Surrounded  by  Ice  and  Squirters 
and  Mixing  Spoons  and  Orange  Peel  and 
Jiggers  and  Jaggers,  he  drew  himself  to 
gether  and  made  the  Announcement. 

For  a  Moment  they  were  stunned  by  the 
Impact  and  then  every  Son  of  Peoria 
leaned  back  and  let  out  a  Yowl.  To  think 
that  a  real  up-to-date  Fellow  would  pull 
any  of  that  Old  Stuff!  A  puny  Mortal 
trying  to  get  a  Toe-Hold  on  the  Demon! 

They  told  him  to  forget  it  and  quit  his 
Spoofing  and  remove  his  Overshoes  and 
ease  a  couple  of  Gills  into  his  Reservoir  and 
try  to  be  a  Human  Being,  however  painful 
the  Effort. 

He  came  back  with  a  few  Gems  from  the 
Family  Medicine  Book  about  the  Effect 
of  the  Accursed  Stuff  on  various  Organs. 
[141] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

He  did  not  propose  to  feed  himself  anything 
that  would  cut  the  Varnish  off  of  Wood- 
Work.  The  Hard  Stuff  had  passed  out  of 
his  Life. 

The  Cackles  died  away  and  were  suc 
ceeded  by  looks  of  Blank  Dismay.  They 
saw  that  one  whom  they  had  long  regarded 
as  a  reliable  bench-working  Union  Lush 
had  turned  in  his  Card  and  deliberately 
made  himself  an  Outcast. 

They  saw  him  order  Vichy  and  go  to  it 
as  if  it  were  a  Beverage,  and  then  they  tore 
up  his  Credentials  and  burned  his  Photo 
graph  and  told  him  to  go  out  to  a  3-days 
Cure  and  take  a  Hypodermic  of  Hot  Mush. 

He  sat  back  and  pulled  the  Grim  Smile 
which  Savanarola  wore  when  they  piled 
the  Fagots  around  him.  He  was  a  Martyr 
and  proud  of  his  Job.  By  the  same  Token 
there  is  no  Brand  of  Rectitude  that  grades 
so  pure  and  spotless  as  that  exhibited  by 
[142] 


LONG  AND  LONESOME  RIDE 

the  disinfected  Dove  who  has  not  touched 
a  Drop  for  nearly  24  hours. 

They  saw  him  go  home  with  a  Magazine 
under  his  Arm,  and  then  they  sat  around 
until  all  Hours,  lapping  it  up  and  progging 
his  Finish.  They  said  he  never  would  last 
a  Week,  and  when  he  Fell  it  would  be  Some 
Splash. 

They  began  to  issue  daily  Bulletins  and 
watched  the  Case  with  much  Anxiety  be 
cause  they  really  liked  the  Old  Scout  in 
spite  of  his  Eccentricities.  When  they 
learned,  at  the  End  of  a  Week,  that  he  had 
played  Buttermilk  to  a  Standstill  all  up 
and  down  the  Quick  Lunch  Circuit  and 
was  at  his  Desk  every  Morning  with  his 
Face  clean  and  a  Flower  in  his  Coat,  they 
called  a  Meeting  of  the  Vigilantes  and 
decided  that  the  Joke  had  been  carried  far 
enough. 

In  the  meantime,  Our  Hero  had  learned 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

two  new  kinds  of  Solitaire  and  began  to  call 
around  for  a  Dish  of  Tea  with  some  distant 
Female  Relatives  who  had  long  supposed 
him  Dead.  Along  about  the  Cocktail  Hour 
he  would  find  himself  sitting  first  in  one 
Chair  and  then  in  another,  but  he  Cashed 
big  every  Morning  when  he  awoke  and 
found  that  Henry  Katzenjammer  was  not 
sitting  on  the  Foot-Board  making  Faces 
at  him. 

Only,  sometimes  he  would  stop  on  a 
Corner  and  look  all  about  him  and  up  at 
the  Buildings  and  wonder  if  the  Town  had 
always  been  as  Quiet  as  at  Present. 

After  he  had  stuck  for  a  Fortnight,  the 
desperate  Envoys  from  the  Indian  Camp 
went  after  him  for  Keeps.  They  held  it 
in  front  of  him  and  splashed  it  on  his 
Clothes  and  begged  him  to  step  aboard 
with  them  and  go  right  up  to  the  18th 
Floor. 

[144] 


LONG  AND  LONESOME  RIDE 

Probably  if  they  had  let  him  alone  he 
would  have  come  sneaking  back  into  the 
Reservation  to  watch  the  red  Whirligigs 
and  pick  a  few  of  those  Night-Blooming 
Martinis,  but  when  they  tried  to  Stampede 
him,  the  old  New  England  Stock  asserted 
itself;  so  he  substituted  Rivets  for  Straps 

He  is  now  the  honored  Associate  of  those 
who  play  Cribbage  in  their  own  Homes 
and  eat  Apples  before  turning  in.  But  if 
you  want  to  get  a  Line  on  his  Real  Charac 
ter,  just  ask  the  Wet  Brothers.  They  will 
tell  you  that  he  wasn't  there  with  the 
Strength  of  Character,  so  he  simply  sank 
out  of  sight. 

MORAL:  The  Way  of  the  Ex-Trans 
gressor  is  Hard. 


[145] 


OUT  OF  CLASS  B  INTO  THE 
KING  ROW 

ONCE  there  was  a  side  street  Quartet  con 
sisting  of  Papa  and  Mamma  and  Gordon 
and  Ethel. 

The  ostensible  Stroke  Oar  of  this  Do 
mestic  Combination  was  a  Graduate  of  one 
of  those  Towns  in  which  the  Occidental 
Hotel  faces  the  Depot  and  all  Trains  are 
met  by  a  Popular  Drayman  wearing  a 
Black  Sweater. 

When  he  elbowed  his  Way  into  the  City, 
years  before,  his  Assets  consisted  of  a  Paper 
Valise,  a  few  home-laundered  Garments 
and  a  small  Volume  telling  how  to  win  at 
Cards. 

In  the  refined  Home  where  he  obtained 
[146] 


"  Then  edge  into  the  Parlor  and  turn  the  Music  for  Miss  Living 
stone" 


INTO  THE  KING  ROW 

his  Liver  and  Macaroni  paved  with  Cheese, 
he  met  the  daughter  of  the  Household. 
When  there  was  a  Rush  she  would  some 
times  put  on  all  of  her  Rings  and  help  wait 
on  the  Table,  although  her  Star  Specialty 
was  to  get  the  Stool  at  the  right  Elevation 
and  tear  the  Vital  Organs  out  of  "Pansy 
Blossom"  and  "White  Wings." 

The  young  Shipping  Clerk  used  to  fly 
to  his  Kennel  and  get  himself  all  Gussied 
up  and  then  edge  into  the  Parlor  and  turn 
the  Music  for  Miss  Livingstone,  who  looked 
to  him  like  Lily  Langtry  and  sounded  like 
Adelina  Patti. 

They  went  to  Housekeeping  in  a  stingy 
Flat  with  a  Bed  that  could  be  stood  on  End 
during  the  Daytime  and  made  to  resemble 
a  Book-Case,  also  a  Plaster-of-Paris  Lion 
on  the  Mantel. 

About  the  time  Gordon  was  first  teth 
ered  on  the  Fire-Escape,  the  Provider  got 
[149] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

a  Taste  of  Soft  Collateral  and  began  to 
wear  Gold  Bracelets  on  his  Cigars. 

When  Ethel  was  large  enough  to  take 
into  the  Park,  the  Graft  had  developed 
until  the  whole  Outfit  moved  to  an  Apart 
ment  where  Goods  had  to  be  delivered  in 
the  Rear.  Mother  began  to  use  Hacks 
.  /which  were  not  numbered. 

So  they  went  along  for  Years,  riding  on 
L  Trains,  calling  up  the  Janitor  to  ask  for 
more  Heat,  trying  to  find  a  good  Maid,  and 
experimenting  with  new  Cereals,  all  of 
these  Romantic  Adventures  combining  to 
make  what  is  known  as  City  Life. 

They  were  simply  four  scrambling  Units 
in  the  Great  Ant-Hill;  four  tiny  Tadpoles 
in  the  great  Schools  that  wiggled  up  and 
down  the  main  Thoroughfares.  It  seemed 
that  their  only  Chance  to  make  an  Impres 
sion  on  the  huge  and  callous  City  was  to 
die  and  then  hold  up  a  line  of  Street  Cars 
[150] 


INTO  THE  KING  ROW 

while  the  Hearse  and  the  five  Carriages 
moved  slowly  in  the  direction  of  Calvary. 

But  Destiny  had  them  spotted. 

Father  was  very  busy  trying  to  run  a 
Shoe  String  up  to  a  National  Bank.  He 
would  rush  into  his  Office  and  open  the 
Desk  and  push  Buttons  and  send  Hurry- 
Up  Wires  and  dictate  Letters  to  trembling 
Myrtle  with  the  Small  Waist  and  keep 
People  waiting  outside,  just  like  the  Whales 
who  control  the  Sugar  Trust. 

He  had  a  Front  like  the  new  Penn 
sylvania  Station  and  the  soft  Personal 
Attributes  of  a  Numidian  Lion. 

When  he  was  sued  in  the  Courts  by  a 
Victim  who  wanted  a  final  look  at  his 
Money,  the  Reporters  came  around  and  he 
was  so  stiff -necked  and  defiant  that  all  of 
them  referred  to  him  as  the  Millionaire 
Promoter. 

It  was  easier  to  be  this  kind  of  a  Mil- 
[151] 


1 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

lionaire  than  stand  for  a  Search.  Every 
Office  Building  is  coagulated  with  Million 
aires  who  never  will  be  Caught  until  the 
Tin  Box  is  opened  in  the  Probate  Court. 
Then  the  Widow  will  get  ready  to  take 
Boarders. 

As  soon  as  Father  was  bawled  out  as  a  Mil 
lionaire,  it  was  up  to  Mother  to  join  a  new 
kind  of  Club  and  have  a  Handle  put  on 
her  Eye-Glasses.  She  would  practise  in  her 
room  for  Hours  at  a  time,  gripping  the 
Rocking  Chair  with  both  Hands  and  trying 
to  get  the  real  Bostonian  sound  of  "A"  as 
in  Lard. 

Her  efforts  were  not  in  Vain,  for  one  Day 
when  the  Club  Meeting  broke  up,  with  the 
Lady  President  throwing  Fits  and  a  Cop 
per  guarding  the  Ballot  Box,  the  principal 
Insurgent  was  mentioned  in  the  Public 
Prints  as  a  Popular  Society  Matron  and 
Leader  in  the  New  Movement  among 
[152] 


INTO  THE  KING  ROW 

Women.  They  had  to  call  her  that  or  the 
Story  of  her  shooting  the  Ink-Stand  at  the 
Recording  Secretary  would  not  have  been 
worth  playing  up  on  the  First  Page. 

It  was  a  proud  Morning  for  Gordon  and 
Ethel  when  they  saw  all  the  Pictures  and 
learned  that  they  were  the  immediate 
Descendants  of  the  Millionaire  Promoter 
and  the  Popular  Society  Matron. 

Gordon  found  himself  endowed  with  a 
Social  Status  which  enabled  him,  at  the 
Age  of  23,  to  gain  admission  to  an  exclusive 
Club  of  3,000  Members,  the  object  of  which 
was  to  serve  a  40-cent  Table  d'Hote  every 
Noon  to  as  many  as  were  willing  to  take  a 
Chance. 

Therefore,  when  he  was  yanked  out  of  his 
2-cylinder  Car  and  stood  up  before  the 
Magistrate,  charged  with  smearing  up  the 
Boulevard  with  the  Working  Classes,  the 
whole  Reading  Public  was  thrilled  to  hear 
[153] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

of  what  had  happened  to  a  Well-Known 
Clubman  whose  Father  was  a  Millionaire 
Promoter  and  whose  Mother  was  a  Popu 
lar  Society  Matron. 

By  this  time  Ethel  was  merely  a  Relative. 

She  had  not  come  across  in  any  Particular. 

As  a  matter  of  Fact,  she  was  not  pulling 
down  any  Ribbons  at  Beauty  Shows,  and 
toed  in  when  she  walked. 

However,  she  was  not  discouraged.  She 
eloped  with  a  Chauffeur  employed  in  an 
8-car  Garage  and  next  Day  she  was  a 
Beautiful  Heiress  whose  Brother  was  a 
Weil-Known  Man  about  Town,  the  Mother 
being  very  prominent  in  Club  Work  and 
remembered  as  the  Wrife  of  the  Millionaire 
Promoter. 

After  all  this  came  out,  Father  still  had 
between  $3,000  and  $4,000  and  the  whole 
Family,  including  the  Chauffeur,  sat  down 
to  Prunes  every  Morning. 
[154] 


INTO  THE  KING  ROW 

But  they  were  very  Happy,  for  they  were 
recognized  in  almost  every  Cafe  and  their 
Relatives  in  the  East  were  sending  Christ 
mas  Cards.  ^  x 

MORAL:  Some  achieve  Greatness  and 
others  have  it  Rubbed  in. 


155] 


THE  BOY  WHO  WAS  TOLD 

ONCE  there  was  a  Boy  who  had  been  told 
twice  a  Day  ever  since  he  could  remember 
that  if  he  started  to  go  into  one  of  those 
Doggeries  with  swinging  Doors  in  front 
and  Mirrors  along  the  Side,  a  Blue 
Flame  would  shoot  out  and  burn  him  to  a 
Cinder. 

Also  he  had  been  warned  that  every 
Playing  Card  in  the  whole  Deck  was  a  Com 
plimentary  Ticket  admitting  one  to  a  Hot 
Griddle  in  the  Main  Parquette  of  the  Fiery 
Furnace. 

And  every  little  Paper  Cigar  was  an 
other  Spike  in  the  Burial  Casket. 

With  seven  or  eight  Guardians  trailing 
him  Day  and  Night  to  keep  him  away  from 
[1561 


THE  BOY  WHO  WAS  TOLD 

the  Lures  of  the  Wicked  World  it  looked 
like  a  Pipe  that  he  would  grow  up  to  be  the 
Dean  of  a  Theological  Seminary. 

Across  the  Street  lived  a  poor  unfort 
unate  Lad  whose  Father  was  making  the 
Futile  Endeavor  to  take  it  away  faster  than 
the  Revenue  Officers  could  put  Stamps  on  it. 
He  was  the  original  Blotter.  When  they 
were  trying  to  pry  him  away  from  it,  he 
would  take  a  chance  on  anything  from 
Arnica  to  Extract  of  Vanilla. 

According  to  all  the  Laws  of  Heredity 
the  only  Son  was  cast  for  the  Part  of  Joe 
Morgan. 

He  is  now  the  Head  of  a  Mail-Order 
House.  When  he  sees  a  Corkscrew  he 
pulls  his  Hat  firmly  over  his  Ears  and  runs 
a  Mile. 

The  Graduate  of  the  Lecture  Bureau 
may  be  found  in  a  swagger  Club  any  even 
ing  with  a  Bourbon  H.  B.  at  his  Right,  a 
[157] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

stack  of  Student  Lamps  at  his  Left  and 
Two  Small  Pair  pressed  closely  against  his 
Bosom. 

MORAL:    The  Modern  Ambition  seems 
to  be  to  vary  the  Program. 


[158] 


THE  NIGHT  GIVEN  OVER  TO 
REVELRY 

A.LL  those  who  had  Done  Time  at  a  certain 
endowed  Institution  for  shaping  and  polish 
ing  Highbrows  had  to  close  in  once  a  Year 
for  a  Banquet.  They  called  it  a  Banquet 
because  it  would  have  been  a  Joke  to  call 
it  a  Dinner. 

The  Invitations  looked  like  real  Type- 
Writing  and  called  upon  all  Loyal  Sons  of 
Old  Bohunkus  to  dig  up  3  Sesterces  and  get 
ready  for  a  Big  Night. 

To  insure  a  Riot  of  spontaneous  Gaiety 
the  following  Organization  was  effected: 

Committee  on   Invitation. 

Committee   on   Reception. 

Committee  on  Lights  and  Music. 
[159] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Committee  on  Speakers. 

Committee  on  Decorations. 

Committee  on  Police  Protection. 

Committee  on  First  Aid  to  Injured. 

Committee  on  May  new. 

Committee  on  Liquid  Nourishment. 

Each  Committee  held  numerous  Meet 
ings,  at  the  Call  of  the  Chairman,  and  dis 
cussed  the  impending  Festivities  with  that 
solemn  regard  for  piffling  Detail  which 
marked  the  Peace  Conference  at  The  Hague. 

The  Frolic  was  to  be  perpetrated  at  a 
Hotel  famous  for  the  number  of  Electric 
Lights. 

The  Hour  was  to  be  6:30,  Sharp,  so  that 
by  6:45,  four  old  Grads,  with  variegated 
Belshazzars,  were  massed  together  in  the 
Egyptian  Room  trying  to  fix  the  Date  on 
which  Doctor  Milo  Lobsquosset  became 
Emeritus  Professor  of  Saracenic  Phlo- 
botomy. 

[160] 


1  Four  old  Grads  .  .  .  were  massed  together  in  the  Egyptian 
Room" 


THE  NIGHT  REVELRY 

Along  about  7:30,  a  Sub-Committe  wear 
ing  Satin  Badges  was  sent  downstairs  to 
round  up  some  recent  Alumni  who  were 
trying  to  get  a  Running  Start,  and  at  7:45 
a  second  Detachment  was  sent  out  to  find 
the  Rescue  Party. 

Finally  at  8  o'clock  the  glad  Throng 
moved  into  the  Main  Banquet  Hall,  which 
was  a  snug  Apartment  about  the  size  of  the 
Mammoth  Cave  of  Kentucky,  done  in  Gold 
and  various  shades  of  Pink,  to  approxi 
mate  the  Chambermaid's  Dream  of  Para 
dise.  The  style  of  Ornamentation  was  that 
which  precipitated  the  French  Revolution. 

Beside  each  Plate  was  a  blond  Decoc 
tion  named  in  honor  of  the  Martini  Rifle, 
which  is  guaranteed  to  kill  at  a  Distance  of 
2,000  Yards.  The  compounding  had  been 
done  in  a  Churn  early  that  morning  and  the 
Temperature  was  that  of  the  Room,  in 
compliance  with  the  Dictates  of  Fashion. 
[163] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Those  who  partook  of  the  Hemlock  were 
given  Courage  to  battle  with  the  Oysters. 
These  came  in  Sextettes,  wearing  a  slight 
Ptomaine  Pallor.  On  the  20th  Proximo 
they  had  said  good-bye  to  their  Friends 
in  Baltimore  and  for  Hours  they  had  been 
lying  naked  and  choked  with  thirst  in  their 
little  Canoes  and  now  they  were  to  enter 
the  great  Unknown,  without  pity  from  the 
Votaries  of  Pleasure. 

Luckily  the  Consomme  was  not  hot 
enough  to  scald  the  Thumbs  of  the  jovial 
Stevedores  who  had  been  brought  in  as 
Extras,  so  the  Feast  proceeded  merrily, 
many  of  the  Participants  devoting  their 
spare  Moments  to  bobbing  for  Olives  or 
pulling  the  Twine  out  of  the  Celery. 

The  Fish  had  a  French  Name,  having 

been  in  the  Cold  Storage  Bastile  for  so  long. 

Each  Portion  wore  a  heavy  Suit  of  Armor, 

was    surrounded    by    Library    Paste    and 

[164] 


THE  NIGHT  REVELRY 

served  as  a  Tee  for  two  Golf  Balls  billed 
as  Pommes  de  Terre. 

It  was  a  regular  Ban-quet,  so,  there  was 
no  getting  away  from  Filet  de  Biff  aux 
Champignons.  It  was  brought  on  merfely 
to  show  what  an  American  Cook  with  a 
Lumber-Camp  Training  could  do  to  a 
plain  slice  of  Steer  after  reading  a  Book 
written  by  a  Chef. 

Next,  in  accordance  with  honored  Tra 
dition,  a  half-melted  Snowball  impregnated 
with  Eau  de  Quinine. 

Just  about  the  time  that  the  White  Vine 
gar  gave  way  to  the  Aniline  Dye,  a  nut 
headed  Swozzie,  who  could  get  into  Mat- 
teawan  without  Credentials,  moved  down 
the  Line  of  Distinguished  Guests  ask 
ing  for  Autographs.  His  Example  was 
followed  by  150  other  Shropshires,  so 
that  for  the  next  30  Minutes  the  Fes 
tal  Chamber  resembled  the  Auditing 
[1651 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Department    of    a    large    Mercantile    Es 
tablishment. 

During  this  Period,  the  Department  of 
Geology  in  the  University  was  honored  by 
the  appearance  of  a  genuine  petrified  Quail. 
And  the  Head  Lettuce  carried  the  Personal 
Guarantee  of  the  Goodyear  Rubber  Co. 

Between  the  Rainbow  Ice  Cream  and  the 
Calcareous  Fromage,  a  member  of  the  class 
of  '08,  who  could  not  Sing,  arose  and  did  so. 

Then  each  Guest  had  to  take  a  Table- 
spoonful  of  Cafe  Noir  and  twoCigarsselected 
by  a  former  Student  who  had  promised  his 
Mother  never  to  use  Tobacco. 

It  was  now  after  10  o'clock  and  time  to 
go  Home.  Those  who  had  started  to  tune 
up  along  in  the  Afternoon  were  dying  on  the 
Vine.  Others,  who  had  tried  to  catch 
even  on  the  $3  Ticket,  felt  as  if  they  had 
been  loaded  with  Pig  Iron.  Up  at  the 
Long  Table  enough  Speakers  to  supply  a 
[166] 


THE  NIGHT  REVELRY 

Chautauqua  Circuit  were  feeling  of  them 
selves  to  make  sure  that  the  Manuscript 
had  not  been  lost.  Each  thought  that  he 
was  the  Orator  of  the  Evening. 

The  Committee  had  put  on  the  Toast 
Program  every  one  who  might  possibly 
take  Offense  at  not  being  Asked. 

Also  they  had  selected  as  Toastmaster 
a  beaming  Broncho  whose  Vocal  Chords 
were  made  of  seasoned  Moose-Hide  and  who 
remembered  all  the  black-face  Gravy  that 
Billy  Rice  used  to  lam  across  to  Lew  Bene 
dict  when  Niblo's  Garden  was  first  opened. 

After  every  30-minute  Address  he  would 
spend  ten  minutes  in  polite  kidding  of  the 
Last  Speaker  and  then  another  10  Minutes 
in  climbing  a  Mountain  Height  from  which 
to  present  the  Next  Speaker. 

Along  about  Midnight  the  Cowards  and 
Quitters  began  crawling  out  of  Side  Doors, 
but  most  of  the  Loyal  Sons  of  Old  Bohun- 
[167] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

kus  propped  themselves  up  and  tried  to  be 
Game. 

Before  1  o'clock  a  Member  of  the  Faculty 
put  them  on  the  Ropes  with  40  Minutes  on 
projected  Changes  in  the  Curriculum. 

At  1:30  the  Toastmaster  was  making 
Speech  No.  8  and  getting  ready  to  spring  the 
Oldest  Living  Graduate. 

Protected  by  all  the  Gray  Hair  that  was 
left  to  him,  he  began  to  Reminisce,  going 
back  to  the  Days  when  it  was  considered  a 
Great  Lark  to  put  a  Cow  in  the  Chapel. 

The  Toastmaster  arrived  home  at  3  A.  M. 
and  aroused  his  Wife  to  tell  her  it  had  been 
a  Great  Success. 

MORAL:  If  they  were  paid  $3  a  Head 
to  stand  for  it,  no  one  would  attend. 


168] 


HE  SHOULD  HAVE  OVERSLEPT 

ONE  Morning  a  Precinct  Parasite  owing 
Allegiance  to  a  Political  Party  of  Progres 
sive  Principles  went  around  to  the  dingy 
office  of  a  Fuel  Supply  Co.  to  pull  off  the 
customary  Fake  Primary. 

He  was  met  at  the  Door  by  a  broad- 
faced  Lady  of  benevolent  Mien  and  black 
Ribbons  on  her  Nose-Glasses,  who  told 
him  to  use  the  Mat  and  not  track  up  the 
Place. 

"What  is  the  Idea?"  asked  the  alcoholic 
Henchman,  looking  vainly  about  for  Bottle- 
Nose  Curley,  Mike  the  Pike,  and  Smitty  the 
Dip,  who  always  had  been  his  Associates 
in  the  sacred  Task  of  registering  the  Will 
of  the  People. 

[1691 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Instead  of  the  old  familiar  strong-arm 
Phalanx,  he  saw  a  Bevy  of  plump  Joans 
who  were  hanging  Chintz  Curtains,  ar 
ranging  a  neat  design  of  Sweet  Peas  around 
the  Ballot  Box  and  getting  ready  to  fire 
up  a  Samovar.  When  he  glanced  into  the 
Polling  Booth  and  saw  that  it  was  draped 
with  Doilies  he  nearly  had  a  Hemorrhage. 

"This  is  the  Glad  Day  you  have  heard 
so  much  about,"  replied  Laura  Chivington 
Cadbury,  displaying  her  dainty  Badge, 
which  showed  that  she  was  a  Judge. 
"You  will  be  expected  to  wear  Gray  Gloves 
with  a  Morning  Coat  and  put  a  Carnation 
in  your  Lapel.  As  the  Voters  arrive,  you 
will  softly  inquire  their  Names  and  lead 
them  along  the  Receiving  Line  and  make 
sure  that  each  is  given  either  a  Macaroon  or 
an  Olive." 

That  evening  when  they  sorted  the  Votes, 
and  decided  Lo  throw  out  all  that  were 
[1701 


HE  SHOULD  HAVE  OVERSLEPT 

Soiled  or  folded  Improperly,  he  was  over  in 
a  corner  making  out  a  list  of  Guests  for  the 
waiting  Reporters. 

MORAL:  Equal  Suffrage  will  have  a 
demoralizing  Effect  upon  one  of  the  prin 
cipal  Sexes. 


[171] 


THE  DANCING 

ONCE  there  was  a  Porch  Rat,  who  was 
also  a  Parlor  Snake  and  a  Hammock 
Hellion.  He  worked  the  popular  Free 
Lunch  Routes  for  thirty  years  before 
deciding  to  hook  up  and  begin  paying  for 
his  own  Food  and  Drink. 

When  he  started  flitting  from  Bud  to 
Debutante  to  Ingenue  to  Fawn  to  Broiler 
to  Kiddykadee  back  in  1880,  he  was  a  fa 
mous  Beau  with  skin-tight  Trousers,  a  white 
Puff  Tie  run  through  a  Gold  Ring  and  a 
Hat  lined  with  Puff  Satin,  the  same  as  a 
Child's  Coffin. 

In  1890  he  was  parting  his  Hair  in  the 
Middle,  in  imitation  of  a  good  Bird  Dog, 
and  had  been  promoted  to  the  Veteran 
[1721 


He  broke  the  Glad  News  to  her1 


THE  DANCING  MAN 

Corps  of  the  iron-legged  Dancing  Men  and 
the  insatiable  Diners-Out.  He  would  eat 
on  his  Friends  about  six  Nights  in  each 
Week,  and  repay  them  every  Christmas  by 
sending  a  Card  showing  a  Frozen  Stream  in 
the  Foreground,  and  Evergreen  Trees  be 
yond. 

In  1900  he  was  beginning  to  sit  out  some 
of  the  Numbers.  Also,  when  he  got  into 
his  Evening  Togs,  his  general  Contour 
suggested  that  possibly  he  had  just  swal 
lowed  a  full-sized  Watermelon  without 
slicing  it  up.  But  he  was  still  Johnny- 
answer-the-bell  when  it  came  to  Dinner 
Parties. 

In  1910  he  carried  a  little  Balloon  under 
each  Eye  and  walked  as  if  he  had  Gravel 
in  his  Shoes.  He  was  still  trying  to  be 
Game,  although  he  had  a  different  kind  of 
Digestive  Tablet  in  each  Pocket  and  would 
rather  tackle  Bridge  than  the  Barn  Dance. 
[175] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

The  Path  was  becoming  Lonely  and  the 
whispering  Trees  seemed  tall  and  forbidding. 
He  decided  to  whistle  for  a  Companion. 
The  Dear  Girls  had  been  dogging  him  for 
three  Decades  and  he  decided  to  let  one  of 
them  have  her  Wish  at  last. 

He  hunted  up  one  aged  24  and  broke  the 
Glad  News  to  her  and  she  told  him  not  to 
rattle  his  Crutches  over  the  Mosaic  Floor 
as  he  went  out  the  Front  Way. 

He  is  now  living  at  a  Club  organized  as 
a  Home  for  Men  who  have  Gone  Wrong. 

When  he  pushes  the  Button  the  Bell 
Hops  match  to  see  who  will  be  Stuck. 

MORAL:  There  is  an  Age  Limit,  even 
for  Men. 


176 


THE  COLLISION 

ONCE  in  the  dim  dead  Days  beyond  Re 
call,  there  lived  a  blue-eyed  Gazook  named 
Steve. 

We  refer  to  the  Period  preceding  the 
Uplift,  when  the  Candidate  wearing  the 
largest  collar  was  the  People's  Choice  for 
Alderman. 

A  Good  Citizen  wishing  to  open  a  Mur 
der  Parlor  needed  a  couple  of  Black  Bot 
tles,  a  Barrel  of  Sawdust  and  a  Pull  at  the 
City  Hall. 

When  he  opened  up,  he  threw  the  Key  in 
the  River  and  arranged  to  have  the  Bodies 
taken  out  through  the  Alley  so  as  not  to 
impede  Traffic  in  the  Main  Thoroughfares. 

Twelve  months  every  Year  marked  the 
[177] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Open  Season  for  every  Game  from  Pitch- 
and-Toss  to  Manslaughter. 

Any  one  in  search  of  Diversion  could  roll 
Kelly  Pool  at  10  Cents  a  Cue  in  the  Morn 
ing,  go  to  the  Track  in  the  Afternoon,  take 
in  a  20-round  Scrap  in  the  Evening  and 
then  Shoot  at  the  Wheel  a  few  times  before 
backing  into  the  Flax. 

The  Police  were  instructed  to  make  sure 
that  all  Push-Cart  Peddlers  were  properly 
Licensed. 

Steve  roamed  the  Wide-Open  Town 
and  spread  his  Bets  both  ways  from  the 
Jack. 

When  he  cut  the  String  and  began  to 
back  his  Judgment  he  knew  no  Limit  except 
the  Milky  Way.  Any  time  he  rolled  them, 
you  could  hear  considerable  Rumble. 

All  the  Bookies,  Barkeeps,  Bruisers,  and 
the  Boys  sitting  on  the  Moonlight  Rattlers 
knew  him  by  his  First  Name  and  had  him 
[178] 


THE  COLLISION 

tagged  as  a  Producer   and  a  Helva  Nice 
Fellow. 

Steve  heard  vague  Rumors  that  certain 
Stiffs  who  hurried  home  before  Midnight 
and  wore  White  Mufflers,  were  trying  to  put 
the  Town  on  the  Fritz  and  Can  all  the  Live 
Ones,  but  he  did  not  dream  that  a  Mug  who 
went  around  in  Goloshes  and  drank  Root 
Beer  could  put  anything  across  with  the 
Main  Swivel  over  at  the  Hall. 

O,  the  Rude  Awakening! 

One  day  he  was  in  a  Pool  Room  working 
on  the  Form  Sheet  with  about  150  other 
Students  and  getting  ready  to  back  Saze- 
rack  off  the  Boards  in  the  Third  at  Gutten- 
berg,  when  some  Blue  Wagons  backed  up 
and  Steve  told  the  Desk  Sergeant,  a  few 
Minutes  later,  that  his  Name  was  Andrew 
Jackson. 

Next  Day  he  had  a  Wire  from  a  Trainer 
but  when  he  went  to  the  old  familiar  Joint, 
[179] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

the  Plain  Clothes  Men  gave  him  the  Sign  to 
Beat  it  and  he  turned  away,  throbbing  with 
Indignation. 

The  down-town  Books  were  being  raided 
but  the  Angoras  kept  on  galloping  at  the 
Track,  so  he  rode  out  on  the  Train  every 
day  in  order  to  preserve  his  Rights  as  a 
free-born  American. 

One  Day  just  as  he  was  Peeling  from  his 
Roll  in  front  of  the  Kentucky  Club  in  order 
to  grab  Gertie  Glue  at  8  to  5,  Lightning 
struck  the  Paddock  and  laid  out  the  entire 
Works. 

When  the  Touts  and  the  Sheet- Writers 
and  the  Sure  Thingers  came  to  and  began 
to  ask  Questions,  it  was  discovered  that  the 
Yap  Legislature  had  killed  the  Racing 
Game  and  ordered  all  the  Regulars  to  go 
to  Work. 

Steve  went  back  to  Town  in  a  dazed 
Condition  to  hunt  up  the  Gang  and  find 
[180] 


THE  COLLISION 

out  what  could  be  done  to  put  out  the 
Fire 

When  he  arrived  at  the  Hang-Out  there 
was  a  Flag  at  Half-Mast.  The  Roost  had 
been  nailed  up  for  keeping  open  after 
Eleven  o'Cloek! 

A  few  Evenings  after  that  he  sauntered 
up  to  a  large  Frame  Building  to  look  at  a 
couple  of  Boys  who  had  promised  to  make 
135  Ringside. 

A  Cannon  was  planted  at  the  Main 
Chute  and  the  Street  was  filled  with  De 
partment  Store  Employees  disguised  as 
Soldiers. 

Nothing  doing. 

The  Governor  had  called  out  the  Militia 
in  order  to  prevent  a  Blot  being  put  upon 
the  Fair  Name  of  the  Commonwealth. 

With  the  Selling-Platers  turned  out  to 
Pasture,  the  Brace-Box,  and  the  Pinch 
Wheel  lying  in  the  Basement  at  Central 
[1811 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Station,  the  Pugs  going  back  to  the  Foun 
dry  and  all  the  Street  Lamps  being  taken 
in  at  Midnight,  no  wonder  Steve  was  hard 
pushed  to  find  Innocent  Amusement. 

He  started  to  hang  around  a  Broker's 
Office  but  it  was  no  Fun  to  bet  on  a  Turn- 
Up  when  you  couldn't  watch  the  Shuffle. 
Besides,  the  Game  was  Cold  and  was  being 
fiercely  denounced  by  the  Press. 

For  a  Time  he  kept  warm  in  a  Bowling 
Alley.  Drive  a  Man  into  a  Corner  and 
goad  him  to  Desperation  and  he  will  go  so 
far  as  to  Bowl,  provided  he  lives  in  a  Ger 
man  Neighborhood. 

One  Evening  he  went  down  to  see  the 
Walhallas  go  against  the  Schwabens,  but 
the  Place  was  Dark. 

The  Authorities  had  interfered. 

It  seemed  that  the  Manufacture  of  Bowl 
ing  Balls  involved  the  Destruction  of  the 
Hardwood  Forests,  while  the  Game  itself 
[182] 


THE  COLLISION 

overtaxed  certain  Important  Muscles  end 
ing  with  "alis,"  at  the  same  time  encourag 
ing  Profanity  and  the  use  of  5-cent  Cigars. 

Steve  had  one  Stand-By  left  to  him.  He 
could  prop  himself  up  on  the  Bleachers  with 
a  bag  of  lubricated  Pop-Corn  between  his 
Knees  and  hurl  insulting  Remarks  at 
Honus  Wagner,  Joe  Tinker  and  Ty  Cobb. 

When  he  crawled  up  in  the  50-cent  Seats 
he  found  the  same  old  Bunch  that  used  to 
answer  Roll  Call  at  the  Pool  Room,  the 
Sharkey  Club,  and  the  Betting  Ring. 

The  Law  had  made  them  Decent  Citi 
zens,  but  it  hadn't  made  them  any  easier 
to  look  at. 

Steve  longed  for  the  Ponies  and  the  good 
old  Prelims  between  the  Trial  Horses,  with 
Blood  dripping  from  the  Ropes,  but  when 
he  picked  up  the  Pink  Sporting  Page  in  the 
Morning,  all  he  could  find  was  that  the 
Sacred  Heart  Academy  had  wrested  the 
[183] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Basket-Bali  Trophy  away  from  the  West 
Division  High  School. 

Base  Ball  is  only  Near-Sport  to  one  who 
has  whanged  the  Wise  Ikes  that  mark  up 
the  Odds.  Steve  went  to  it  because  there 
was  nothing  else  on  the  Cards. 

One  Day  he  found  every  entrance  to  the 
Park  guarded  by  a  Blue  Burly  arid  the 
Crowds  being  turned  away. 

The  Health  Department  had  put  in  a 
Knock  on  the  Game,  on  the  Ground  that 
the  Ball,  after  being  handled  by  various 
Players  and  passed  from  one  to  the  other, 
carried  with  it  dangerous  Microbes. 

The  Officials  insisted  that,  after  every 
Play,  the  Ball  should  be  treated  with  an 
Antiseptic  or  else  that  each  Player  should 
have  an  Individual  Ball  and  allow  no  one 
else  to  touch  it. 

The  Society  for  the  Protection  of  the 
Young  had  put  up  a  Howl  because  the 
[1841 


THE  COLLISION 

Game  diverted  the  Attention  of  Urchins 
from  their  Work  in  the  Public  Schools  and 
tended  to  encourage  Mendacity  among 
Office  Boys. 

The  Concatenated  Order  of  High-Brows 
had  represented  to  the  proper  Authorities 
that,  as  a  result  of  widespread  Interest  in 
the  demoralizing  Pastime,  ordinary  Con 
versation  on  the  tail-end  of  a  Trolley  Car 
was  becoming  unintelligible  to  University 
Graduates,  and  the  Reports  in  the  Daily 
Press  had  passed  beyond  the  Ken  of  a  mere 
Student  of  the  English  Language. 

The  Medical  Society  certified  that  eight 
out  of  ten  Men  had  shattered  their  Nervous 
Systems,  split  their  Vocal  Cords  and  de 
veloped  Moral  Astigmatism,  all  because  of 
the  Paroxysms  resulting  from  Partisan 
Fervor.  Either  build  an  Asylum  in  every 
Block  or  else  liberate  the  present  Inmates 
of  all  the  Nut-Colleges.  It  was  not  fair 
[185] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

to  keep  the  Quiet  Ones  locked  up  while 
the  raving  Bugs  were  admitted  to  the 
Grand  Stand  every  Afternoon. 

Under  the  Circumstances,  a  purely  Pa 
ternal  Administration  could  do  only  One 
Thing.  It  put  Base  Ball  out  of  Business. 

On  the  very  next  Afternoon  the  un 
quenchable  demand  for  Sport  asserted  itself. 

Steve  went  into  the  Back  Yard  with  his 
eldest  Son  and  looked  about  cautiously. 

"Is  the  Look-Out  stationed  on  the 
Fence?"  he  asked. 

"He  is." 

"Is  the  Garden  Gate  securely  locked?" 

"It  is." 

"Are  the  Mallets  properly  muffled?" 

"They  are." 

"Then  t'hell  with  the  Law!  We'll  have 
a  Game  of  Croquet." 

MORAL:     If  it  is  in  the  Blood,  the  only 
Remedy  is  the  substitution  of  Iced  Tea. 
[1861 


HOW  ALBERT  SAT  IN 

ONCE  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  Bright 
Young  Lawyer  of  ordinary  Good  Looks 
and  Modest  Bank  Account  who  regarded 
the  so-called  Smart  Set  with  scorching 
Contempt. 

Our  Hero,  whose  name  was  Albert,  re 
fused  to  fall  for  the  Parlor  Game. 

Now  there  resided  in  this  Town  a  certain 
High  Priestess  of  the  Socially  Elect  and  a 
Queen  Bee  of  the  Cotillion  Tribe.  What 
ever  she  said,  Went.  No  one  could  lay 
claim  to  any  Class  in  this  Town  until  he 
had  seated  himself  at  one  of  her  Dinners, 
with  the  $28,000  Gold  Service  in  front  of 
him,  and  dissected  a  French  Artichoke 
right  down  to  the  Foundation. 
[187] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

One  Evening  while  Albert  was  burning 
up  the  Local  Aristocracy  he  made  the  Crack 
that,  if  he  wanted  to  go  in  for  such  Tommy- 
rot,  he  could  be  Dining  with  the  aforesaid 
Dowager  Duchess  within  a  Year.  His 
Friends  hooted  at  the  Suggestion  and  the 
Outcome  of  the  Controversy  was  a  Wager. 
Albert  was  to  storm  the  Citadel  and  land 
inside  before  the  Expiration  of  Twelve 
Months  or  else  blow  the  whole  Gang  to  a 
high-priced  Feed. 

Next  Sunday  he  began  to  take  Part  in 
the  High  Church  Ceremonies  and  wait  on 
the  Steps  to  make  a  Fuss  over  the  Women 
whose  Names  appeared  on  the  List  of 
Patronesses. 

He  ignored  the  Buds  and  Debutantes 
and  worked  overtime  to  Solidify  himseli 
with  the  Matrons. 

Whenever    there    was    anything    Doing 
that    required    the   Services    of    a    Hand- 
[188] 


HOW  ALBERT  SAT  IN 

Shaker  or  Errand  Boy  he  was  right  there 
with  the  Dark  Cutaway  and  afresh  Gardenia. 

In  a  Month  he  had  a  Foothold  and  was 
serving  on  Committees  with  Colonial 
Dames  and  Relatives  of  the  American 
Revolution. 

He  was  Dependable.  Any  time  an  Extra 
Man  was  needed  he  came  bursting  in  with 
Kind  Words  for  all  the  Elderly  People. 
He  made  Party  Calls  and  left  his  Card  and 
told  the  Secrets  of  his  Heart  to  Women  who 
were  old  enough  to  Understand. 

Consequently  he  had  eighteen  or  twenty 
Boosters  working  for  him. 

At  the  end  of  Six  Months  he  was  a  Reg 
ular  at  some  of  the  Best  Homes  and  was 
beginning  to  send  Regrets  to  those  below 
Class  A. 

Looking  down  from  his   Serene  Eleva 
tion  he  realized  that  he  had  made  a  Mis 
take  in  camping  so  long  in  the  Valley. 
[189] 


,  KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

When  the  Year  was  up  he  was  acting  as 
Volunteer  Secretary  and  Whispering  Sooth 
sayer  to  the  Queen  Bee  and  had  won  his 
Bet  by  a  Mile. 

His  Former  Associates  stood  ready  to 
make  Good  on  the  Feed,  but,  when  they 
asked  him  to  name  an  Evening,  he  looked 
them  over  and  could  not  find  them  entered 
in  the  Blue  Book,  so  he  turned  them  down 
cold  and  pulled  the  Old  One  about  a  Pre 
vious  Engagement. 

MORAL:  One  never  can  tell  from  the 
Sidewalk  just  what  the  View  is  to  some  one 
on  the  Inside,  looking  out. 


190] 


THE  TREASURE  IN  THE  STRONG 
BOX 

ONCE  there  was  a  Hireling  at  the  tail-end 
of  a  Pay  Roll  who  longed  to  get  a  Chunk 
of  Money  so  that  he  could  own  a  House 
and  pick  out  his  own  Wail-Paper. 

He  read  an  Ad  in  a  Religious  Weekly. 
It  said  to  Hurry  and  get  a  Slice  of  the 
Bullkon  Mining  Company  because  on  July 
1st  the  Price  would  be  whooped  from  $1 
a  Share  to  $2.75.  The  Guggenheims  wanted 
it  but  the  Directors  preferred  to  slip  it  to 
the  American  People. 

The  Property  was  right  up  against  some 

other  Property  so  rich  that  the  Workmen 

engaged  in  lifting  out  the  Precious  Metal  had 

to  wear  Goggles  to  keep  from  being  blinded. 

[191] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

The  Man  fell  for  it.  He  rushed  to  the 
Savings  Bank  and  drew  his  Wad  and  sent 
it  t )  a  Man  with  several  Chins,  who  had  to 
sit  at  a  Desk  for  nearly  an  hour  each  Day 
taking  Money  out  of  Envelopes. 

The  Stockholder  received  a  Certificate. 
It  had  at  the  Top  an  Engraving  of  a  Lady 
spilling  Golden  Nuggets  out  of  a  Cornucopia 
and  below  was  a  Seal  and  the  Signatures  of 
all  the  Officers  of  the  Company.  Any  one 
standing  off  ten  Feet  from  this  Certificate 
couldn't  have  told  it  from  a  1915  Bond  of 
the  Pennsylvania  Company. 

Every  Week  the  Stockholder  found  in 
his  Mail  a  Report  from  the  Expert  in 
charge  of  Shaft  No.  13  in  the  Skiddykadoo 
Fields  showing  that  the  Assay  ran  $42.16. 
and  the  Main  Lateral  had  been  opened  as 
far  as  the  Mezzanine  Drift,  which  meant 
that  the  $1  Shares  would  be  selling  around 
$85  before  the  Holidays. 
[192] 


THE  TREASURE 

Whereupon  he  would  pinch  out  some  of 
the  Money  about  to  be  frittered  away  on 
Dress  Goods  and  Cereals  and  send  it  to  J. 
Etherington  Cuticle,  Promoter,  who  was 
thus  enabled  to  have  a  new  Collar  put  on 
his  Fur  Coat. 

In  course  of  Time  the  incipient  Monte 
Cristo  had  a  Bale  of  Certificates.  He  could 
borrow  a  Pencil  and  figure  out,  in  a  few 
Minutes,  that  when  the  Stock  went  to  Par 
(as  per  Prospectus)  he  would  land  a  few 
feet  behind  Hetty  Green  and  somewhat  in 
advance  of  the  First  National  Bank. 

While  he  was  waiting  for  Dame  Fortune, 
with  the  Sheet  wrapped  around  her,  to 
begin  rolling  it  out  of  the  Cornucopia,  as 
advertised  on  the  One-Sheets,  he  inadver 
tently  up  and  died. 

The  Administrator  and  the  Brother-in- 
Law  went  over  the  stuff  at  the  Safety  De 
posit.  They  checked  all  the  Items  from 
[1931 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

the  outlawed  Note  down  to  the  Delin 
quent  Tax  Notice  and  then  advised  the 
Widow  to  pick  out  a  nice  lucrative  Position 
in  a  Hand  Laundry. 

Two  Years  passed  by.  The  Family  was 
now  living  in  Comfort.  Down  in  a  Bureau 
Drawer,  with  the  Dance  Programs  and  the 
High  School  Diplomas,  reposed  the  Stock 
Certificates  of  the  Bullkon  Gold  and  Silver 
Mining  and  Development  Company,  Inc. 

The  Widow  had  been  tempted  to  use  them 
on  the  Shelves,  but  every  time  she  looked  at 
the  Litho  of  the  Benevolent  Female  dump 
ing  the  $20  Gold  Pieces  out  of  the  Cornu 
copia,  and  saw  the  Seal,  and  alongside  of  it 
the  majestic  Signature  of  J.  Etherington 
Cuticle,  and  noted  that  the  total  Face 
Value  was  $80,000,  she  would  replace  the 
Elastic  and  decide  to  Wait. 

One  day  a  soft-spoken  Gentleman  met 
her  as  she  returned  from  her  Daily  Toil 
[194] 


THE  TREASURE 

and  said  that  a  Syndicate  was  about  to 
take  over  all  the  Holdings  of  the  Bullkon 
G.  and  S.  M.  and  D.  Co.,  Inc.,  and  stood 
ready  to  purchase  her  Stock. 

With  trembling  Hands  she  undid  the 
Bundle.  It  took  a  long  time  to  make  the 
Count  but  when  he  got  it  all  straightened 
out  and  figured  up,  he  looked  her  straight 
in  the  Eye  and  said:  "It  comes  to  One 
Dollar  and  Eighty-Two  Cents." 

MORAL:    Fiction    is    stranger    than 
Truth. 


[195 


^  THE  OLD-FASHIONED 
PROSECUTOR 

ONE  morning  a  great  Judge,  who  had 
been  promoted  to  the  Bench  because  he 
could  not  connect  as  a  Lawyer,  climbed  up 
on  his  Perch  and  directed  the  Lord  High 
Sheriff  to  feed  him  a  few  Defendants. 

"We  have  rounded  up  a  tough  bunch  of 
Ginks,"  said  the  Attorney  for  the  Common 
wealth.  "I  shall  ask  your  Honor  to  Soak 
them  good  and  proper." 

The  first  to  be  led  in  was  a  grinning  Imp 
with  a  wide  Mouth,  large  Freckles  and 
flapping  Ears. 

It  was  proven  that  he  stuck  Pins  into  his 
Grandmother  and  blew  up  Elderly  Gentle 
men  with  Cannon  Crackers  and  set  fire 

[196] 


" I  am  not  a  Criminal;  I  am  an  Institution" 


THE  OLD-FASHIONED  PROSECUTOR 

to  Houses  and  was  a  hard  Nut  in  general. 
The  Prosecutor  suggested  a  Dungeon  with 
Bread  and  Water. 

Up  spoke  the  Prisoner  as  follows:  I 
defy  you  to  lay  a  Hand  on  me.  I  am  the 
Stand-By  of  the  Comic  Artist  and  the  Star 
Attraction  of  the  Colored  Supplement. 
When  I  pull  the  Step-Ladder  from  under 
some  Honest  Wrorkingman,  causing  him  to 
break  his  Leg,  or  hit  a  Stout  Lady  in  the 
Eye  with  a  Brick,  please  remember  that  I 
am  bringing  Sunshine  into  thousands  of 
Homes.  As  I  go  on  my  way,  committing 
Arson,  Mayhem,  and  Assault,  with  Intent 
to  Kill,  I  am  greeted  by  Peals  of  Childish 
Laughter.  When  you  put  me  out  of  Busi 
ness,  you  will  be  handing  the  Circulation 
an  awful  Wallop.  I  am  not  a  Criminal;  I 
am  an  Institution." 

"I   remember  you  very  well,"  said  the 
Judge.    "  You  are  my  Excuse  for  buying  the 
[199] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Paper.  While  the  Kids  are  busy  with  you, 
I  look  up  Packey  McFarland  and  One- 
Round  Hogan." 

Just  as  the  Celebrated  Juvenile  hit  the 
Fresh  Air  the  second  Defendant  came  into 
The  Dock,  taking  long  sneaky  Strides  and 
undulating  like  a  Roller  Coaster.  She  was 
a  tall  Gal  and  very  Pale,  with  Belladonna 
Optics  and  her  Hair  shook  out  and  a  fine 
rhythmical  Bellows  Movement  above  the 
Belt  Line. 

"She  is  a  raving  Beetle,"  explained  the 
Prosecutor.  "She  wants  to  go  out  doors 
every  Night  and  count  the  Moon  and  pull 
some  of  that  shine  Magazine  Poetry. 
Every  time  she  sees  anybody  named  Eric 
or  Geoffrey  she  does  a  Swoon,  accompanied 
by  the  customary  Low  Cry,  and  later  on, 
in  her  own  Boudoir,  which  is  Richly  Fur 
nished,  she  bursts  into  a  Torrent  of  Weeping. 
If  you  start  her  on  a  Conversation  about 
[200] 


THE  OLD-FASHIONED  PROSECUTOR 

Griddle  Cakes  she  will  wind  up  by  giving  a 
Diagnosis  of  Soul-Hunger.  She  is  a  Candi 
date  for  Padded  Cell  No.  1  in  the  big  Fool 
ish  House.  If  she  continues  at  Large  she 
may  accidentally  marry  some  poor  mis 
guided  Clarence,  and  then,  if  there  are  any 
Children,  the  Neighbors  will  have  to  take 
care  of  them." 

"Do  you  not  recognize  me?"  asked  the 
Prisoner  in  low  musical  Tones,  fixing  a 
passionate  Gaze  on  the  Court.  "I  am  the 
Heroine  of  a  Best  Seller.  If  I  did  not  have 
these  large  Porcelain  Orbs  and  the  Bosom 
heaving  in  Rag  Time  and  the  Hair  swirling 
in  Glorious  Profusion,  do  you  suppose  that 
a  Member  of  the  Upsilon  Pa  jama  Sorority 
would  sit  up  until  1  A.  M.  with  Me  and  a 
Bottle  of  Queen  Olives  and  a  Box  of  Chocs? 
If  I  made  up  like  an  ordinary  Sadie  and 
talked  Straight  Stuff,  do  you  think  I  could 
last  through  Ten  Editions?  I  may  not  be 
[201] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Human,  but  I  can  raise  the  Temperature  of 
every  Flathead  from  Bangor  to  San 
Antone." 

:'You  are  dead  right,"  said  the  Court. 
"We  couldn't  keep  house  without  you." 

So  she  proceeded  to  Exit,  sneeringly,  her 
Garments  rustling  and  a  faint  Aroma  of 
Violets  lingering  in  her  Wake,  just  as  it  does 
in  the  Red  Book  that  sells  for  $1.50. 

The  next  Prisoner  was  a  big  handsome 
Buck  with  his  Clothes  recently  pressed  and 
many  Gloves. 

"I  want  a  Life  Sentence  for  this  Guy," 
said  the  learned  Prosecutor.  "He  is  so 
crooked  that  a  Straight  Edge  would  cut 
him  in  a  thousand  places.  He  would  bite 
an  Ear-Ring  off  of  a  Debutante  or  blow 
open  a  Family  Vault  to  unscrew  the  Han 
dles  from  the  Casket  containing  Father.  He 
promotes  phoney  Corporations  and  sells 
Florida  Orange  Groves  that  have  Crocodiles 
[2021 


L/A 

. 


THE  OLD-FASHIONED  PROSECUTOR 

swimming  around  on  top  of  them.  He 
is  a  prize  Bunk,  a  two-handed  Grafter,  a 
Short-Change  Artist  and  a  Broadway  Wolf, 
Slip  him  the  Limit." 

"You've  got  me  wrong,  Steve,"  said  the 
Prisoner,  softly.  "I  used  to  be  a  De 
praved  Character,  but  now  I  am  the  Big 
Hero.  Under  the  revised  Code  of  Morals 
a  Handy  Boy  who  goes  out  and  trims  a 
Boob  for  everything  in  his  Kick  becomes 
recognized  as  a  Comedy  Hit  and  every  Seat 
on  the  Lower  Floor  goes  for  two  Bones. 
Instead  of  doing  a  Lock-Step  to  and  from 
the  Broom  Factory,  I  work  up  to  a  Dress 
Suit  Finish  and  marry  the  Swell  Dame. 
And  the  Mob  is  with  me.  If  it  came  to  a 
Straw  Vote  between  me  and  Lyman  Abbott, 
I  would  win  by  a  City  Block." 

"The  Gentleman  speaks  the  Truth," 
said  the  Court.  "In  this  Fair  Land  we 
forgive  a  Man  anything  if  his  Work  has 
[203] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Class.  Instead  of  committing  you  to  the 
Pen,  I  shall  arrange  to  spend  the  Evening 
with  you." 

The  next  was  a  tall  snaky  Female  with 
black  Beads  all  over  her  Person  and  she  was 
smoking  a  Cigarette,  half  closing  her  Eyes 
as  she  blew  Rings  toward  the  Ceiling. 

"Judge,  she  is  some  Brazen  Hussy,  be 
lieve  me,"  said  the  Prosecutor.  "After 
turning  Flip-Flops  around  the  Ten  Com 
mandments  for  fifteen  years  she  married  a 
Good  Man  and  put  him  on  the  Fritz.  Her 
regular  Job  is  to  loll  on  a  Divan  and  turn 
the  Coaxing  Eye  on  some  poor  Geezer  who 
is  wandering  from  Drawing  Room  to  Draw 
ing  Room,  trying  to  have  his  Life  wrecked. 
Please  send  her  up.  She  is  a  Menace  to 
Respectable  Society." 

The  Prisoner  looked  at  him  in  haughty 
Disdain. 

"I  am  not  a  Low  Woman,"  she  said, 
[204] 


THE  OLD-FASHIONED  PROSECUTOR 

proudly.  "  I  am  a  Matinee  Favorite.  The 
Best  People  in  our  City  hang  their  Chins 
over  the  Seats  in  front  and  cry  softly  when 
ever  I  get  into  Trouble.  Don't  lock  me  up 
or  they  will  be  lonesome." 

"Go,  woman,  and  keep  on  Sinning,"  said 
the  Court,  in  a  kind  Voice. 

Then,  turning  to  the  Defender  of  the 
General   Good,   he   said.     "You   are   two 
years    behind    the    Procession.     Hereafter    \ 
arrest  only  Business  Men  who  have  been 
Successful." 

MORAL:     Criminality  is  merely  a  Side- 
issue. 


[205] 


THE  UNRUFFLED  WIFE  AND 
THE  GALLUS  HUSBAND 

ONE  day  a  Married  Woman  who  was 
entitled  to  a  long  row  of  Service  Stripes  on 
her  Sleeve,  sat  in  the  Motor,  and  watched 
the  remainder  of  the  Sketch  try  out  his  new 
trick  Monoplane. 

He  scooted  away  with  the  Buzzer  work 
ing  overtime  and  soon  was  cloud-hopping 
about  a  Mile  overhead. 

When  he  began  doing  the  Eagle  Swoops 
and  the  Corkscrew  Dips,  which  so  often 
serve  as  a  Prelude  to  a  good  First  Page 
Story  with  a  picture  of  the  Remains  being 
sorted  out  from  the  Debris,  most  of  the 
Spectators  gasped  and  felt  their  Toes  curl 
ing  inside  of  their  Shoes,  but  WTifey  never 
[206] 


THE  UNRUFFLED  WIFE 

batted  an  Eye.  With  only  one  little  Strand 
of  Wire  or  perchance  a  Steering  Knuckle 
standing  between  her  and  a  lot  of  Insur 
ance  Money,  she  retained  both  her  Aplomb 
and  the  Lorgnette. 

"How  can  you  bear  to  watch  it?"  asked 
a  Lady  Friend,  who  was  heaving  per 
ceptibly. 

"Listen,"  replied  the  Good  Woman. 
"For  many  Snows  I  have  been  sitting  on  the 
Side  Lines  watching  the  Dear  Boy  take 
Desperate  Chances.  To  begin  with,  he 
married  into  Our  Family.  Once,  at  Asbury 
Park,  he  acted  as  Judge  at  a  Baby  Show. 
Later  he  put  a  lot  of  Money  into  a  Bank, 
the  President  of  which  wore  Throat  Whis 
kers  and  was  opposed  to  Sunday  Base  Ball. 
He  has  played  Golf  on  Public  Links,  hunted 
Deer  during  the  Open  Season  in  the  Adiron- 
dacks  and  essayed  the  Role  of  Claude 
Melnotte  in  Amateur  Theatricals.  Once 
[207] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

he  attended  a  Clam  Bake  and  took  every 
thing  that  was  Passed.     At  another  time 
he  made  a  Speech  when  the  Alumni  cele 
brated  a  Foot  Ball  Victory.     Frequently 
he  goes  Shopping  with  me.     Last  year  he 
acted  as  Angel  for  a  Musical  Comedy.     The 
Driver  of  our  Car  is  a  Frenchman.     And 
don't  overlook  the  Fact  that  for  Six  Years 
he  has  been  a  Stock  Broker.     He  may  fall 
at  any  Moment,  but  if  he  does  he  will  pick 
out  a  Haystack  on  the  way  down." 

MORAL:     The   Wright   Brewers   were 
not  the  first  to  be  Up  in  the  Air. 


[208] 


BOOKS  MADE  TO  BALANCE 

ONCE  there  was  a  Husky  employed  to 
crack  the  Whip  around  a  smoky  Works  that 
did  not  offer  an  attractive  Vista  from  the  Car 
Window,  although  it  blossomed  with  a 
fragrant  crop  of  Dividends  every  time  the 
Directors  got  together  in  the  Back  Room. 

Most  of  the  American  Workingmen  em 
ployed  in  this  Hive  of  Industry  came  from 
remote  parts  of  Europe.  Each  wore  his 
Head  entirely  in  front  of  his  Ears  and  had 
taken  an  Oath  to  support  the  Constitution. 

It  was  the  duty  of  the  Husky  to  keep 
these  imported  Rabbits  on  the  Jump  and 
increase  the  Output. 

He  made  himself  so  strong  that  he  was 
declared  In  every  ame  a  Melon  was  sliced, 
[209] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

and  when  it  came  time  to  Scramble  the 
Eggs  and  pull  off  the  grand  Whack-Up, 
he  was  standing  at  the  head  of  the  Line 
with  a  Basket  on  his  Arm. 

So  it  came  about  that  one  who  started  in 
a  Thatched  Cottage  and  grew  up  on  cold 
Spuds  and  never  saw  a  Manicure  Set  until 
he  was  38  years  of  age,  went  home  one  day 
to  find  Gold  Fish  swimming  about  in  every 
Room  and  Servants  blocking  the  Hallways. 

He  had  some  trouble  finding  Rings  that 
would  go  over  his  Knuckles  and  the  Silk 
Kind  felt  itchy  for  quite  a  while,  but  finally 
he  adjusted  himself  to  his  new  Prosperity 
and  began  to  deplore  the  apparent  Growth 
of  Socialism. 

This  rugged  and  forceful  Character,  to 
whom  the  Muck-Rakers  referred  as  a  Baron, 
had  a  Daughter  who  started  out  as  Katie 
when  she  carried  the  Hot  Coffee  over  to 
Dad  every  Noon. 

[210] 


BOOKS  MADE  TO  BALANCE 

When  she  got  her  first  Chip  Diamond 
and  Father  switched  from  the  Dudeen 
to  Cigars,  she  was  known  in  High  School 
Circles  as  Katherine. 

And  when  Pop  got  in  on  the  main  Divvy 
and  began  to  take  an  interest  in  Paintings, 
the  name  went  down  on  the  Register  at  the 
Waldorf  as  Kathryn,  in  those  peaked  Sierra 
Nevada  Letters  about  four  inches  high. 

Katie  used  to  go  to  St.  Joseph's  Hall  once 
in  a  while  with  Martin,  the  Lad  who  helped 
around  the  Grocery. 

Katherine  regarded  with  much  Favor 
a  Pallid  Drug  Clerk  who  acted  as  a  Clearing 
House  for  all  Local  Scandal. 

But  say,  when  Kathryn  came  back  from 
a  vine-clad  Institute  overlooking  the  his 
toric  Hudson  and  devoted  to  the  embossing 
and  polishing  of  the  Female  Progeny  of 
those  who  have  got  away  with  it,  she  began 
working  the  Snuffer  on  all  the  Would-Bes 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

back  in  the  Mill  Town.  When  she  got 
through  extinguishing,  the  little  Group 
that  remained  looked  like  the  Remnant  of 
the  Old  Guard  at  Waterloo. 

Father  had  to  stick  around  because  oc 
casionally  the  eight  thousand  Good  Tem 
pered  Boys  on  the  Pay  Roll  would  begin  to 
burn  with  Wood  Alcohol  and  the  Wrongs 
of  Labor  and  pull  off  a  few  Murders,  merely 
to  hasten  the  Triumph  of  Justice. 

By  the  way,  Kathryn  had  a  Mother  who 
used  to  hide  in  a  room  upstairs  and  timidly 
inspect  her  new  Silk  Dresses. 

Kathryn  applied  the  Acid  Test  to  her 
People  and  decided  that  they  never  could 
Belong. 

She  swung  on  the  General  Manager  for 
a  Letter  of  Credit  big  enough  to  set  Ireland 
free  and  went  traipsing  off  to  the  Old 
World  under  the  chaperonage  of  a  New 
York  Lady  who  had  seen  Better  Days. 
[212] 


BOOKS  MADE  TO  BALANCE 

Now  it  will  be  admitted  that  William  J. 
Burns  is  Some  Sleuth,  but  when  it  comes 
to  apprehending  and  running  to  Earth  a 
prattling  American  Ingenue  with  a  few 
Millions  stuffed  in  her  Reticule,  the  Boy 
with  the  mildewed  Title  who  sits  on  the 
Boulevard  all  day  and  dallies  with  the  green 
and  pink  Bottled  Goods  has  got  it  all  over 
Burns  like  a  Striped  Awning. 

All  the  starving  members  of  the  TJp- 
Against-It  Association  were  waiting  at  the 
Dock  to  cop  the  prospective  Meal  Ticket. 
Not  one  of  them  had  ever  Shaved  or  Worked 
and  each  wore  his  Handkerchief  inside  his 
Cuff  and  had  Yellow  Gloves  stitched  down 
the  Back,  and  was  fully  entitled  to  sit  in 
an  Electric  Chair  and  have  80,000  Volts 
distributed  through  the  Steel  Ribs  of  his 
Corset. 

As  soon  as  Kathryn  began  to  meet  the 
Roqueforts  and   Camemberts   she   disco v- 
[213] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

ered  that  they  had  Lovely  Eyes  and  cer 
tainly  knew  how  to  treat  a  Lady. 

Kathryn  had  been  brought  up  on  Phila 
delphia  Literature,  and  even  during  her 
most  ambitious  Social  Flights  she  had  en 
countered  the  Type  of  Man  who  remains 
on  the  opposite  side  of  the  Room  having 
:rouble  with  his  White  Gloves. 

She  never  had  been  against  those  Willing 
Performers  from  Gascony  who  wore  Red 
Ribbons  and  Medals  and  who  rushed  over 
to  kiss  the  Hand  and  then  look  deep 
into  her  Eyes  and  throb  like  a  Motor 
Boat. 

This  class  of  Work  simply  shot  her  Pulse 
up  to  130  and  made  her  think  that  she  was 
Cleopatra,  floating  in  the  Royal  Barge  and 
surrounded  by  Crawling  Slaves. 
\j        When  a  certain   Markee    crawled    into 
her  Lap   and   purred   into    her   Ear   and 
threatened  to  curl  up  on  the  Rug  and  die  if 
[2141 


BOOKS  MADE  TO  BALANCE 

she  Refused  him,  she  simply  keeled  over 
with  Excitement. 

After  she  recovered,  she  found  herself 
actually  Engaged  to  the  Representative  of 
one  of  the  Oldest  Families  in  the  Saucisson 
District  of  the  Burgoo  Province  and  as 
manly  a  Chap  as  ever  borrowed  Money 
from  a  Toe-Dancer. 

1he  hurried  home  to  keep  it  out  of  the 
Newspapers  and  to  tell  those  who  would 
listen  that  American  Men  were  Impossible. 
Then  the  Markee  came  over  with  his 
Solicitor  and  a  Bottle  of  Chloroform  and  a 
full  kit  of  Surgical  Instruments,  and  the 
Wedding  was  fully  reported  by  the  Asso 
ciated  Press. 

The  Captain  of  Industry  sized  up  Son- 
in-Law,  and  knew  that  when  the  Money  was 
gone  the  Markee  could  always  get  a  job 
hanging  up  Hats  in  the  Check-Room  of  a 
first-class  Table  d'Hote  Restaurant. 
[215] 


V 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

From  the  window  of  her  Chateau  in  the 
Burgoo  Province  the  Lady  Cashier  can 
see  the  American  Tourists  going  by  in  their 
hired  Motor  Cars.  Her  Cheek  flushes  with 
Delight  when  she  happens  to  remember  that 
in  another  Three  Months  or  so,  Friend 
Husband  will  come  home  long  enough  to 
show  her  where  to  sign  her  Name. 

What  is  more,  she  has  the  Privilege  of 
walking  out  at  any  time  and  picking  Flowers 
with  the  Understanding  that  she  is  not  to 
let  it  be  known  that  she  is  related  to  any 
of  her  Relatives  on  either  side  of  the 
Atlantic. 

MORAL:  Europeans  made  the  Money 
and  they  had  a  Right  to  pull  it  down. 


216] 


THE  TWO  UNFETTERED  BIRDS 

ONCE  there  was  a  Girl  with  a  gleaming 
New  Hampshire  Forehead  who  used  to 
exchange  helpful  Books  with  a  studious 
young  Man  who  had  an  Intellect  of  high 
Voltage. 

It  will  not  be  necessary  to  name  these 

ooks,  as  you  never  heard  of  them. 

Laura  and  Edgar  were  Comrades,  in  a 
way.  They  met  under  the  Student  Lamp 
and  talked  about  Schopenhauer  and  Walter 
Pater,  but  the  Affair  never  got  beyond  that 
Point.  It  was  not  even  warm  enough  to  be 
called  Platonic.  It  carried  about  as  much 
Romantic  Suggestion  as  a  cold  Hot  Water 
Bag. 

There  grew  up  between  them  merely  a 
[2171 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Fellowship  of  the  Super-Mind,  or  what  a 
Wimp  wearing  Tortoise-Shell  Spectacles 
would  call  Cosmahogany. 

Having  cleared  away  the  Underbrush,  we 
will  now  proceed  with  the  Narrative. 

Like  every  other  Member  of  the  Tribe 
of  Mansard  Mentalities,  they  regarded  with 
much  Contempt  the  School  of  Popular 
Fiction. 

Do  you  think  they  would  stand  for  any 
of  that  old-style  Guff  about  Sir  Ralph  get 
ting  the  Hammer-Lock  on  Dorothy  just 
outside  the  Loggia?  Not  on  your  Thought 
Waves ! 

They  regarded  the  Article  commonly 
called  Love  as  a  lingering  Symptom  of 
some  primeval  Longing  for  Parlor  Enter 
tainment. 

It  was  agreed  that  each  Soul  was  free 
and  independent,  and  had  a  right  to  run  on 
its  own  private  Time-Table. 
[218] 


"  Laura  and  Edgar  were  Comrades,  in  a  way 


THE  TWO  UNFETTERED  BIRDS 

Laura  said  she  was  going  to  live  her  Life 
in  her  own  Way  and  that  no  Wallopus  in 
striped  Trousers  could  leave  her  marooned 
in  a  Flat,  working  under  Sealed  Orders. 

Edgar  did  not  choose  to  carry  Over 
weight  while  working  out  his  Career  and 
grew  faint  at  the  very  Thought  of  shoulder 
ing  a  lot  of  Domestic  Responsibilities. 

Marriage  was  an  institution  devised  for 
Strap-Hangers  who  wanted  to  get  their 
Names  into  the  Paper. 

It  was  a  childish  Refuge  for  those  who 
lacked  Courage  to  forsake  the  beaten  Paths 
and  strike  out  for  the  High  Spots. 

It  will  be  seen  that  they  were  somewhat 
Advanced.  As  far  back  as  1890  they  were 
living  in  the  21st  Century. 

Laura  went  in  for  Club  Work  and  Cold 
Baths  and  Card-Indexing. 

She  felt  sorry  for  the  Married  Women. 
They  were  always  fussed  up  over  getting  a 
[221] 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Laundress  or  telling  about  new  cases  of 
Scarlet  Rash  or  else  'phoning  the  Office 
to  make  sure  that  the  Bread-Winner  was 
at  the  Desk  and  behaving  himself. 

When  she  let  down  her  Hair  at  Night 
she  did  not  have  to  do  any  checking  up  or 
put  the  bottle  of  Squills  on  the  Radiator. 

She  was  Free  and  Happy.  A  little  lone 
some  on  Rainy  Days,  but  the  freest  thing 
you  ever  saw  and  she  had  her  Books. 

Edgar  looked  about  him  and  saw  the 
Slaves  of  Matrimony  watching  the  Clock 
and  getting  ready  to  duck  at  11  P.  M.  and 
rejoiced  inwardly. 

He  could  land  in  at  his  little  Indepen 
dence  Hall  at  4  G.  M.,  and  turn  on  all  the 
Lights  and  drape  his  Wardrobe  over  the 
Rugs  and  light  Cigarettes  and  there  was 
not  a  Voice  to  break  the  celestial  Stillness. 

He  figured  that  Children  must  be  an 
awful  Worry. 


THE  TWO  UNFETTERED  BIRDS 

He  brooded  over  the  Kid  Proposition  so 
much  that  soon  after  he  was  30  years  of 
Age  he  used  to  go  around  and  borrow  his 
Nephews  and  Nieces  and  take  (hem  to  the 
Circus  and  buy  expensive  Presents  for 
them  and  upset  the  Household  Rules. 

Occasionally  he  would  take  a  new  Book 
dealing  with  the  Higher  Things  of  Life  up 
to  his  old  friend  Laura  and  he  would  find 
her  feeding  the  Birds,  with  the  Cat  asleep 
in  the  Corner  and  an  imported  Dog  with 
many  Curls  preempting  the  principal  Chair. 

They  would  discuss  Prison  Reform  and 
Kipling  and  other  Subjects  in  no  way  re 
lated  to  the  awakening  of  the  Maternal 
Instinct. 

When  he  owned  up  to  40  and  she  had 
stopped  talking  about  it,  the  Reading  Habit 
was  no  longer  a  Novelty  with  him,  so  merely 
to  kill  Time,  he  was  acting  on  the  Visiting 
Board  of  an  Orphan  Asylum  and  was  a  U 


KNOCKING  THE  NEIGHBORS 

Director  of  the  Fresh  Air  Fund  and  was 
putting  the  Office  Boy  through  a  Business 
College. 

About  the  same  time  Laura  was  made  the 
victim  of  a  Conspiracy. 

A  designing  Day  Laborer  and  his  Wife 
deliberately  up  and  died,  leaving  a  Chick  of 
a  Daughter,  all  helpless  and  alone. 

Laura  simply  had  to  go  over  and  grab 
the  Young  One  and  play  Mother  to  her, 
because  it  all  happened  hardly  a  Mile  from 
her  own  Door-Step. 

She  had  been  dodging  these  common 
place  and  old-fashioned  Responsibilities  all 
her  Life  and  now  cruel  Circumstances  com 
pelled  her  to  spend  Hours  in  servile  Atten 
tions  to  a  stray  Specimen. 

Of  course,  she  had  the  Expert  Advice  of 
her  old  friend  Edgar,  who  made  out  the 
Adoption  Papers  and  sent  a  lot  of  Mer 
chandise    up    to    the    House,    out    of    the 
[224] 


THE  TWO  UNFETTERED  BIRDS 

promptings  of  a  broad  and  general  senti 
ment  of  Pity  for  the  Unfortunate. 

Even  when  they  stood  up  to  be  Married 
they  were  still  stringing  themselves. 

He  was  bald  and  grizzled  and  she  was  a 
little  droopy  around  the  Shoulders  and  had 
not  been  able  to  massage  away  the  more 
important  Wrinkles. 

They  scouted  the  Suggestion  that  it  was 
a  Love  Match. 

It  seemed  that  she  needed  a  Night  Watch 
man  and  he  was  afraid  to  be  alone  in  the 
Dark  with  the  Memories  of  the  Past. 

MORAL:  After  you  pass  40  you  must 
take  charge  of  something  Human,  even  if  it 
is  only  a  Chauffeur. 


00 1 


THE  TELLTALE  TINTYPE 

ONCE  there  was  a  worried  Parent  whose 
only  Son  could  not  quite  make  up  his  Mind 
whether  to  join  a  High  School  Frat  or  go 
on  the  Stage. 

He  was  at  the  long-legged  Age  and  walked 
Loose  and  stepped  on  his  own  Feet,  and 
whenever  he  walked  briskly  across  the 
Floor  to  ask  some  Tessie  to  dance  with  him, 
every  one  crowded  back  against  the  Wall 
to  avoid  getting  one  on  the  Shin. 

He  combed  his  Hair  straight  back,  like 
a  Sea  Lion,  and  in  Zero  Weather  wore  a 
peculiar  type  of  Low  Shoe  with  a  Hard- 
Boiled  Egg  in  the  Toe. 

His  overcoat  was  of  Horse  Blanket 
material  with  a  Surcingle,  and  the  Hat 


THE  TELLTALE  TINTYPE 

needed  a  Hair  Cut  and  a  Shave.  When 
he  topped  off  his  Mardi  Gras  Combination 
with  a  pair  of  Yellow  Gloves  that  sounded 
like  a  Cry  for  Help  and  went  teetering 
down  the  Street,  his  Father  would  vent 
Delight  over  the  Fact  that  the  Legislature 
had  passed  Game  Laws. 

One  day  at  Luncheon  Father  got  so 
Steamy  that  he  had  to  blow  off.  So  he 
opened  up  on  Son  and  practically  wiped 
him  off  the  Map.  He  sure  burned  him 
Alive. 

He  kidded  the  whole  Make-Up  and  said 
he  was  the  Male  Parent  of  a  Champion 
Gillie,  whatever  that  is. 

He  said  the  Hat  was  a  Scream  and  the 
Overcoat  was  a  Riot  and  the  overlapping 
Collar  with  the  dinky  Four-in-Hand  was  a 
Comic  Supplement,  and  why  had  such  a 
Freak  been  wished  on  to  a  hard-headed 
Business  Man. 

[2271 


THE  COUNTRY  LIFE  PRESS 
GARDEN  CITY  N.  Y. 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


AN  INITIAL  FINE  OF  25  CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED  FOR  FAILURE  TO  RETURN 
THIS  BOOK  ON  THE  DATE  DUE.  THE  PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  SO  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 
DAY  AND  TO  $1.OO  ON  THE  SEVENTH  DAY 
OVERAGE.  g  -|936 


M/ifi       &      inirt 

1936 

irrT   -° 

^•^(--  w 
/-  ""-3 

APR   25  1938 

^-,  ?  ^  i^3 

*""•"                 ift\ 

R^^eS 

HPT  7     1^R? 

CMsr*^^*!1^   i  ft 

m  n  n       /»  1QPQ  11  7 

rct-C  D  LD 

MAK     6  i"v5J  *  ' 

JU16    1957 

REC.CIR.  HV  ^"83 

KEC  D  LD 

$t?;>5  1957 

r»rn   1  A  1QLiQ         Q 

SEP  I*T3W      b 

LD  21-100m-8,'34 

